I Don't Care What You Say, THIS Guy Is the Star of the DNC

Once in a lifetime, someone comes along and captures the zeitgeist of a moment. His few words distill every thought, emotion, and insight you've ever conceived of about an opposing political philosophy. He may look a little funny. His face is framed with a black mask cupped under his chin and a rasta cap on his head. His blue shirt is decorated with huge letters reading "Harris for President."

Meet the man we'll call "Rasta Guy" at the Democrat National Convention.

God bless him.

We meet the Rasta Guy on the floor of the DNC convention being interviewed by a man we're told is from the beebs, the BBC. The BBC reporter asks Rasta Guy what he's doing there. What follows is among the best rhetoric heard at the DNC—and I watched Oprah's speech.

Reporter: Well, what brought you out here today?
Rasta Guy: Now listen. My name is Noah Schwartz. I use he/they pronouns. I'm just really excited that we have the first black woman that could be the president of the United States.
Reporter: Silently watches Rasta Guy gesticulate enthusiastically.

Suddenly, the conversation the reporter thought he was having with a "White Dude for Kamala" takes a turn.

Rasta Guy: And my wife, riiight? We're in a polyamorous relationship—and the lover that my wife took is African American and, like, I have learned so much about the struggle that people of color go through. As a result of my wife's boyfriend, I'm really excited to really do my part for solidarity to my marginalized communities, so the best way to do that is to get the first woman of color to be Commander in Chief and I'm really excited. I'm so pumped!

The reporter looks a bit bemused at this point, but Rasta Guy isn't going to waste his moment in the sun.

Reporter: Were you this excited when Joe Biden was the nominee?
Rasta Guy: I mean, listen, I would vote for a corpse over voting for Donald Trump because he's a disgusting fascist, white supremacist pig.

The reporter stays mute, hoping the Rasta Man will continue to bash Trump.

Rasta Guy: But now, we really get to make history. We have, you know, like I said we have the first woman of color to be the president of the United States. And our country was founded on the values of diversity, equities, and inclusion and nothing embodies those values more than a Kamala Harris presidency, so I'm pumped! I'm ready! I am so excited. I'm a proud white dude for Kamala Harris, baby! Let's go! Woo!

Now, you might be thinking at this point that this guy is a typical Democrat. But hold on.

The interview continues with this exchange:

Reporter: Have you seen any excitement that a Democratic event like this in a stadium or—
Rasta Guy: No! Listen, this is amazing, you know like...(he continues as "Sweet Caroline" swells in the background). I can't see anyone — you couldn't generate—I couldn't see any more excitement—like, the only way there could be more excitement like maybe if you have an artist or a celebrity perform in the opening for Kamala but... This is amazing. This is like celebrity love, love excitement. A rock star.

The reporter looks like he's heard enough and wants to leave, but Rasta Man is wound up and won't stop talking. His thoughts turn to Kamala's economic plan and price fixing.

Rasta Man: You know the thing that I'm most excited about a Kamala Harris presidency? It's the economy. I'm really excited about how she finally wants to put a cap on prices at the grocery store. And you know, like, look even though price controls may lead to, like, shortages of food and basic goods, shortages will lead to rationing, and rationing—that leads to equity—and we need to be in a more equitable place in America...to dismantle the legacy of white supremacy.

Here's video of the entertaining exchange: