The PJ Tatler

New Terror Threat: Exploding Ka-Boobs

Clearly we’ll need to engage in some kind of profiling to deal with this emerging threat. Sorry, Hollywood wannabes, NFL cheerleaders and Hooters employees, you’ll just have to take extra airport scrutiny for the team.

Heathrow Airport is on high terror alert amid fears women suicide bombers are ready to strike with ­explosives concealed in breast implants.

Security checks have been beefed up after “credible” intelligence that al-Qaeda is plotting attacks on airlines flying out of London.

One staff member said: “There are genuine fears over this.

“We have been told to pay particular attention to females who may have concealed hidden explosives in their breasts.

“This is particularly difficult for us to pick up but we are on a very high state of alert.

“It’s led to long queues here at Heathrow – much longer than usual at this time of the year.

“But because it’s the summer holiday season, no one has complained.”

Al-Qaeda’s chief bomb-maker Ibrahim al-Asiri is understood to have developed the method of foiling airport scanners by concealing ­explosives in an implant or bodily cavity.

Flying to and from cosplay conventions is gonna to be a nightmare. Yaya Han should probably just forget about ever flying commercial again.

Kidding aside, the thinking is that the terrorists build implants filled with a liquid explosive and implant them into a willing woman or, one supposes, man who won’t mind sporting moobs as his last act of jihad. If he’s wearing a burqa, it’ll all be between himself and his terrorist surgeon. At the appointed time, the bomber either injects themselves with a reacting agent or uses electricity or some other means to detonate their bra bombs.  It wouldn’t take that much of an explosion to blow a hole in an aircraft fuselage and take the plane and its passengers down. That’s what the shoe and underwear bombers were attempting to do. And, one supposes in a general way, if a fellow is willing to put a bomb in his crotch and light the fuse, others would be willing to become killer curves. Islamism is about as sick as it gets, always inventive in designing mayhem.

Security agents are not going to be able to determine whose boobs are and aren’t explosive in the literal sense by using the usual TSA methods of isolate and grope. Bag searches may turn up syringes, but millions of fliers have to keep their medical supplies close at hand every day. Doctors notes are easy enough to fake. Supposing the boob bomb is possible, an ordinary-looking cell phone might even serve as the trigger. Airport X-ray machines might pick up the implants as such I guess, but probably not whether they’ve been weaponized. Maybe looking for man hands and Adam’s apples on curvy fliers would help, but then you’ll run afoul of the transgender lobby if you pull anyone aside on that basis and subject them to more screening. Behavior profiling seems to be the only way to detect this, supposing that such bombs are even possible to build.

All of that aside, if there’s any truth to this story, Islamists have officially managed to ruin everything.