The PJ Tatler

FIRST DRAFT – HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

A source close to the president faxed me this (disapproved) draft of a secret letter by president Obama to president Karzai. I cannot reveal his name, but the source assured me it is real – Leon de Winter.

FIRST DRAFT – HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

To: Hamid Karzai, President of the Islamic Republic of Aghanistan

From: Barack Obama, President of the USA

 

Dear Hamid,

The wave of violence in your country has shocked me, and I am sure you have been surprised by it as well. How many copies of the holy book of Islam have been burned and destroyed by attacks of Islamic radicals on mosques? Countless thousands. Your people never take to the streets when those attacks happen. But the burning of a small amount of copies, by accident, after radical Islamic prisoners have desecrated them by writing messages in them, resulted in dozens of victims, among them some of my soldiers.

Why do these radicals shut up when Muslims burn other Muslims and copies of the Quran, but go nuts when my men seem to be – again, by mistake – responsible? Let me guess: your people consider my soldiers, who have bled to ban tyranny and bring prosperity to your barren lands, infidels who are not allowed to touch your holy book. Your people don’t see courageous men in my soldiers, but dirty dogs.

Hamid, this is what happened on February 1st, 2011:

TUNIS — Arsonists set fire to a synagogue in the southern Gabes region of Tunisia, a leader of the local Jewish community said Tuesday.

“Someone set fire to the synagogue on Monday night and the Torah scrolls were burned,” Trabelsi Perez told AFP, criticising the lack of action by the security services to stop the attack.

“What astonished me was that there were police not far from the synagogue,” added Perez, who is also head of the Ghriba synagogue on the island of Djerba, the oldest synagogue in Africa.

Twenty-one people were killed, including 16 European tourists, when Al-Qaeda bombers attacked Ghriba in April 2002.

Did the Jews go nuts in New York or Jerusalem? Did they chase Muslims and did they try to kill them? No. They shrugged. They love their scrolls as passionate as you love your Quran, but they know how to distinguish between sacred content and the objects themselves.

O, yes, for the Jews these scrolls are sacred. They are willing to be killed in order to save them. But they will not kill for them. It goes against the message of these scrolls. Life is sacred. Save one life and you save the universe – you know the quote, has been copied in the Quran.

And what about Bible burning, Hamid? Is almost a daily thing in some African countries and Pakistan. Do the Christians in Rome or Berlin hang the Muslims they could grab? No. They know they can print bibles by the millions. The paper copy may have been turned into ashes, but the biblical message survives.

You know what, Hamid? I truly believe that killing as an act of revenge for the burning of books is a very primitive act. It reminds me of the backward belief in totems. When I was a student I took some classes in anthropology and Claude Levi-Strauss, and I know that revering totems is a phase in the development of a more refined idea of religion.

To be honest, Hamid, I have had it with you guys. We spent billions of dollars in your backward country. We have remained silent when your corrupt hands hid hundreds of millions. From now on, I will speak up. And I believe you deserve the Taliban.

So I make you a promise, Hamid: I will withdraw my soldiers from your poor, illiterate, backward nation, and I will come back to bomb the s***t out of you when you or your Taliban friends try to hurt a single American citizen.

Yeah, I am angry. Your Muslims seem to be driven by sheer stupidity, and I have lost my patience with them. Drown in your pitiful land – sorry, the wrong image since there is no water. Hamid, we could have brought water to you, but you prefer to keep the mental and physical drought of the desert.

So, go ahead. Don’t expect me to apologize for my soldiers. F**k you and your crazy believers, Hamid. You deserve poverty, diseases, cruelty. You are an inhumane bunch of lunatics.

 

Without any respect,

 

Barack Obama

 

Note by BHO: No way I’m going to send this draft. Make me another one. I want to apologize.