When University Makes You a Moron, Demand a Refund

Much has been written about the various “occupy” movements that have been sweeping the country, a lot of it unfairly focused on students defecating on cars, flags and a variety of other inanimate objects — when not copulating in plain view following more or less the same guidelines. The naysayers and fault-finders have also pointed out the anti-Semitic rants, the “F*** the Troops!” signs, the profusion of subtle messages such as “Workers Unite, End Capitalism, Eat the Rich, Kill Your Parents, Write Bad Checks” and the unnerving presence of at least one head on a pike which one can only hope is in effigy.

These isolated events (using the MSNBC definition of “isolated” which is: “pretty much anywhere you look”) should not distract us from the larger message, which is “yes we are devolving into Piltdown Man at an alarming rate, but we have a darned good reason!”

It is not as if the students doing this socialist pole-dance want to be poster-children for civilizational decline. In fact, those who squeezed in a medieval history course between the “Transgendered Communists of Color” prerequisites would be the first to acknowledge that a short, brutish life lived in a hut constructed out of cow pies and straw is not to be desired. But these same scholars will be the first to tell you that it’s the system that has turned them into the eat-your-granny primitives we see before us.

The “system” in question is a malevolent stew of Judeo-Christian morality and “rich-get-richer” laws in which people who borrow money (“debtors”) are expected to repay their “debts” to their “creditors”. The “creditors” in this instance are rapacious bankers who misrepresented student loans as free gifts from the unicorn god and thus duped a generation of Lesbian Studies graduates into life-long bondage.

Okay, even if you don’t accept the unicorn god scenario (and I make it even money half the protesters would), the students have a point: Who knew you couldn’t fork over a hundred grand for a B.A. in Philosophy, hang a shingle right after graduation (“Metaphysical conundrums solved while U wait”), and not pay off your loans in under a year? Who knew, being a newly credentialed philosopher, you couldn’t sway the bank manager with an air-tight treatise on why the loan didn’t objectively “exist” in the first place? Who knew that the assurances of your Feminist Environmental Marxist Studies professor that all the bank managers would either be dead or in camps by now might prove a hair premature?

You didn’t, Mr.Mowgli wannabe, that’s obvious. And you should have, and thereby hangs the solution. You don’t know anything of value, what you think you know is wrong, and the institution that was supposed to correct this lamentable situation is six figures richer for the four years you just squandered. Seems to me somebody owes you a refund. Seems to me if you could avoid partying away that refund in opium dens and titty bars on the way to the bank, that would make the student loan problem go away in a hurry.

In support of your suit I propose heading down to Wall Street with my own bull-horn and leading a chant thus (the obligatory repetition of each line — aka the freak chorus — included for effect and because I hope to get paid by the word):

To the greedy, fat-cat university administrators …
To the greedy, fat-cat university administrators …

Give us our money back or we’ll poop on your cars!
Give us our money back or we’ll poop on your cars!

We will drum ceaselessly and sing atonal dirges …
We will drum ceaselessly and sing atonal dirges …
(Some will start drumming and singing, who could have seen that coming?)

We will have sex in public places on campus.
We will have sex in public places on campus … even more than usual

We will put your heads on a pike, symbolically of course
We will put your heads on a pike … what was the rest of that?

After four years in your hallowed halls we are clueless
After four years in your hallowed halls we are clueless

We have no clue about basic economics
Wait, it’s the law of supply and … oh I don’t know

We have no clue about politics or history
We have no clue about politics or history, especially the part that happened in the past

We are so clueless and robotic …
We are so clueless and robotic …

That we will even repeat admissions of our own ignorance with no discernible comprehension
You’ll have to break that into smaller sentences dude

So, give us our money back would ya?
So, give us our money back would ya?

You have it, we want it
You have it, we want it

You know the drill
You know the drill

Hell, you taught us the drill
Hell, you taught us the drill

Your chickens … have come home to roost
Cluck, cluck, cluck

At this point I anticipate we will all find the closest prostitute (short toddle I expect), crown her “Reason”, and march on Columbia with a united heart and an arm full of sharpened stakes. The experience will be all the pleasanter for the fact that most of the marchers can’t walk and sing at the same time.