Drunkblogging Obama's Oval Office Address

4:52PM One of the things I usually love about CNN’s web feed is, they give you the raw stuff — including before the President even shows up. That’s not possible when he’s speaking from behind the Resolute desk. And you can insert your own Irresolute joke here.

4:52PM Spill estimates are now up in the range of 35,000-60,000 barrels a day. Note that the bottom end is where the top end was just a couple days ago. Which is how I’m going to feel by the time this address is over.

4:56PM This is a test of the emergency drunkblog system. It is only a test.

4:58PM For reasons unknown even to me, I can’t help thinking these days of Groucho’s seven-cent nickel.

5:00PM I’ve gone from Grey Goose to Absolut Citron on ice. No way I’m wasting more of the good stuff on this guy.

5:01PM While we wait, the best we can do is hope and pray the President convenes a panel of experts. And panel of ass-kicking experts.

5:03PM Yes, he’s comparing the leak to the Terror War and the Great Recession.

5:03PM A team of best scientists and engineers with awards! We’re saved!

5:04PM Wait… strike that last comment. He didn’t cite any credentials for ass-kicking.

5:04PM We’d better nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

5:04PM Shorter Obama: “Hurricanes are easy. Leaks are hard.”

5:05PM Battle plan! Is it an ass-kicking battle plan?

5:05PM 30,000 personnel in four states. Tons of ships. 17,000 Guardsmen.

5:05PM Correction: Ass-kicking personnel.

5:06PM Hey, where’d the boom come from? I know a guy who knows a guy who can get more of that stuff.

5:07PM Speed? Day 57, buddy. I’ve also heard that Gov. Jindal STILL doesn’t have permission to build the sea wall he just ordered built.

5:07PM Just once, I’d like him to keep one whole finger on the desk.

5:07PM One ass-kicking finger.

5:08PM Tomorrow Obama will meet with the CEO of BP. That’s Day 58, if you’re keeping score at home.

But to be fair, setting up a third-party to handle compensation payments is quite sensible. sss-kickingly sensible.

5:09PM The Secretary of the Navy is going to develop a plan. With a panel, and perhaps even a commission.

5:10PM Mr. President? When are those rigs coming back? The ones you drove away with the moratorium? The moratorium that went deeper than the scientists recommended?

5:10PM And an Understanding Commission!

5:11PM OK, so the Commission must do its work thoroughly. But will you be taking off for spelling?

5:11PM I will lose hours of sleep and suffer nightsweats over the image of “corporations pleasing themselves.”

5:12PM We’ve learned lessons! Ass-kicking lessons.

5:12PM Here it comes — the push for cap & trade.

5:13PM They’re drilling a mile beneath the ocean because ANWR is closed and so are the shorelines. (The “you lying bastard” clause at the end is implied.)

5:13PM Countries like China are building coal-fired plants every week. Green coal!

5:14PM Now is the moment! Of a mission! An ass-kicking mission!

5:14PM Do a shot if he mentions Spain.

5:15PM Millions of jobs! By accelerating and seizing! By which he means, he’ll accelerate the seizure of private wealth to keep Al Gore rich.

5:15PM Al Gore: “I’m trying to watch the speech.” Laurie David: “Oh, put down the remote and get in bed, big boy.”

5:16PM He won’t accept inaction! It’s not too big or too difficult to tax! Er, beat.

5:17PM Faith will power your car! Uh… you get out and push.

5:18PM The words are lofty, but — as always with this guy — let’s wait until we see the legislation. Oh, and just this once, I’d like my Congressman to see it before he has to vote on it. Pretty please?

5:19PM Well that was mercifully free of content.

5:20PM Seriously, I feel so unsatisfied.

5:20PM There wasn’t even enough meat to make proper fun of. Proper ass-kicking fun.

5:21PM I keep waiting for somebody else to come on TV, maybe a cabinet member, to read the real speech, the one that tells us… I dunno… stuff.

5:23PM Seriously, sorority girls have done the Walk of Shame home from frat parties feeling more satisfied.

5:24PM You just want to say, “I spent a quarter century conditioning my liver for this?”