Solving the Epstein PR Mess Once and for All!

I’ll lay my cards on the table: My personal theory is FAR darker, bleaker, and more disgusting than anything suggested by Tucker Carlson, Candace Owens, Rep. Thomas Massie (R-Ky.), Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Cal.), Alex Jones, Joe Rogan, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.), or any of the other Epstein conspiracy-pushers.

And it has nothing to do with Mossad, the CIA, foreign governments, international blackmail, or Jeffrey Epstein being the James Bond of pedophiles — a smooth-talking, globetrotting secret agent who paired underage girls with creepy old men to advance a political agenda.

It sounds strange, but those conspiracy theories are WAY more comforting than what I suspect happened.

Look, if Epstein was under the thumb of Mossad/CIA/whoever, as odious as his crimes were, they'd kinda-sorta make sense. It still fits into a rational, Machiavellian worldview. Like all of us, Epstein was doing what he was told to do.

There’s still a semblance of order and structure.

But based on all the evidence I’ve seen, the most likely explanation for Jeffrey Epstein’s behavior, crimes, intent, and objectives is this: He and his sick, rich friends weren’t raping little girls because Mossad/CIA told 'em it was a good idea. Instead, they did it because that’s what turned 'em on.

They were rich, powerful, entitled perverts who abused children because they were rich, powerful, entitled perverts. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

And sometimes a pedophile is simply a pedophile.

Given that the raw, unfiltered/unredacted “Epstein Files” were in the hands of both the Biden administration AND the Trump administration — and neither administration weaponized its contents — I’m guessing that the Epstein case was more hype than substance. Despite all the anticipation, the cupboard was bare.

When you finally peeked behind the curtain, there was just no there there.

Lord knows the Biden administration wasn’t shy about targeting Donald Trump for all kinds of crimes — large, small, and imaginary — so it defies common sense to assume they’d shrug their shoulders over evidence linking “literally Hitler” to an international pedophilia ring. Even if Bill Clinton and a few bigwig donors got caught in the crossfire, there’s virtually no price they wouldn’t pay to rid the country of the Great Orange Menace. They’d sell their firstborn down the river; they’d gouge out their eyes with corkscrews; they’d (gasp!) cheer for Liz Cheney.

Remember, the radical left wholeheartedly believes Donald Trump is an existential threat to our republic. It’s not just a talking point; it’s a core belief.

This is who they are!

If they’d use the RUMOR of Trump/Epstein to try to take down MAGA, you can bet your bippy they’d use the genuine article.

(Also: Just maybe, podcast hosts aren’t always our most reliable source of legal info.)

The allure of conspiracy theories is that our brains expect sensical, logical explanations to big, important stories. Humans are pattern-recognition machines: From fire to agriculture to modern science, we’re hardwired to detect patterns in the commotion — order within the mayhem — the hidden threads connecting different things.

A long time ago, someone tried planting and watering a pebble. (Didn’t go so well.) He tried again with a seed and was more successful.

Pattern recognition elevated early man from the caves, forming the basis of our ascent atop the food chain. Even today, testing for patterns is the basis of our scientific method. It’s how we learned to divide atoms, launch rockets, transplant organs, and build artificial intelligence.

But sometimes, the pattern just isn’t there.

Sometimes, no matter how hard you look, all you’ll find is chaos. And sometimes, when the key people involved are either dead or utterly untrustworthy, it’s impossible to dig any further.

Which is why conservatives ought to be very, very cautious about embracing conspiracy theories: Conspiracies exist because of ambiguities, irregularities, and dissatisfaction with the “accepted” explanation. They breed like bunnies within the gaps. But unless you (permanently) fill the gaps, you won’t control the narrative.

Instead, you’re beholden to it.

It’s kind of like that old legal maxim, “Don’t ask your witness a question you don’t know the answer to.” Because once those words tumble out of your mouth, you’ve forfeited control of whatever comes next.

And that’s how we got to where we are today, where the exact same Democrats — and the exact same members of the mainstream media — who never gave a damn about Jeffrey Epstein’s crimes, victims, or coconspirators are suddenly up in arms over the so-called “Epstein Files.” It’s the #1 story across the country.

Their newfound interest is obvious: It’s their latest blunt weapon to bludgeon President Trump.

Sadly, it’s a weapon we helped provide. From careless conservative “influencers” to unforced errors from Attorney General Pam Bondi, feeding the Epstein conspiracy was a strategic miscalculation that’s now blown up in our faces.

For crying out loud, LEARN from this mistake and stop embracing stupid, unprovable conspiracy theories!

Or at a minimum, limit 'em in scope. I’ll show you what I mean:

Question: Why did the Democrats leak the Epstein emails when they did?

Answer: Because they were ordered to by Chuck Schumer and the Democratic establishment, to distract from the disastrous “Schumer Surrender” and the end of the government shutdown.

I can’t prove it, of course. It’s just a theory. But to me, it’s the most likely explanation for their timing and motivation: This wasn’t orchestrated by the radical left/AOC camp or the byproduct of investigative journalism, but hand-delivered by the Democratic establishment. They were desperate to get the heat off of Schumer, so they fanned the flames of pedophilia, using the suffering of children as a political distraction.

It’s gross, selfish, and disgusting. But they’ll get away with it, because we lost control of the narrative. That’s the fatal flaw of conspiracy theories: By definition, they’re open-ended.

Hey, it “could be” anything!

Fine. That’s where we are today. How the heck do we get out of this PR mess?

We’ve got two options:

First, we could ignore the drip-drip-drip of Epstein allegations. And maybe, if we wait long enough, the dripping will stop.

Sometimes, if you ignore a problem, it goes away on its own.

I’d advise against that: Too many parties are incentivized to find a way for the dripping to continue. Between the radical left, the mainstream media, and conspiratorial kooks on the quasi-right, it’s unlikely the Epstein story will run out of steam.

Instead, if we ignore it, the drip-drip-drip will become Chinese water torture for the rest of Trump’s term.

The second option is to meet it head-on. But since the final answer will almost certainly be inconclusive, I’d redirect the Epstein narrative towards an unsolvable moral dilemma — and then force the left to choose a side.

Pinsker’s Law of PR #83: You can’t always kill the narrative, but you can redirect it.

The opposite of a drip-drip-drip is a one-time dump: Put all the Epstein info on the table and be done with it.

Drips make news. Puddles are ignored.

But I’d also make a full pardon for Ghislaine Maxwell part of the conversation. Offer it to the Democrats directly.

Jeffrey Epstein is dead. Tragically, so are many of his victims. Ghislaine Maxwell is the only one left who knows the complete truth — the who, what, where, and (most importantly) why.

Of course, she’s also a hideous, vile predator. We’re talking about a convicted child sex-trafficker. The dregs of humanity — the worst of the worst.

And the only way to get her to talk is to release her from prison.

But maybe, the Democrats (plus Republican “useful idiots” like Reps. Tom Massie and Marjorie Taylor Greene) are right: Maybe the public interest in the Epstein case is so persuasive, we ought to free a woman who helped old men rape little girls.

If so, let them say it!

Right now, they’re arguing for transparency and “the victims.” That’s a cost-free advocacy position. They can — and will — keep pounding the war drums.

A choice between transparency-and-victims and secrets-and-villains is a no-brainer.

So let’s redirect the argument and make 'em argue for something else: If they’re really, truly serious about getting to the bottom of this, then Ghislaine Maxwell deserves a pardon. Now that Epstein’s dead (murdered?), she’s all we’ve got.

Make the Democrats argue in favor of pardoning Maxwell!

Because, if that’s the new choice, I guarantee you, the Epstein story will vanish from the news cycle pretty damn fast.

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