On Christmas Eve, our intrepid commander-in-chief (who’s still “sharp as a tack”) signed 50 bills into law. President Biden likes to eat ice cream and sleep a lot; he’s not exactly known as a workaholic. So, for him to be working on Christmas Eve, those 50 bills must’ve been vital to our national interest.
One of the bills was championed by socialite, “actress,” and Kardashian 1.0, Ms. Paris Hilton. It pertains to teens living in residential treatment facilities. (I have no opinion on the merits of the bill; it’s just interesting to me which celebrities have the politicians’ ears.) Another bill legislates hazing on college campuses. That’s probably a good thing: Obviously, hazing gullible freshmen is wrong, and should never be allowed (except when it’s really funny).
Still, it’s unclear why these issues were so critically important that the White House just had to squeeze ‘em in before Christmas Day. (There’s probably not a lot of hazing on college campuses on December 25.) But hey, the sausage-making process is never pretty, and at least all these new rules and regulations will help someone. (Allegedly.)
But no human was helped by one of the bills that was signed into law: S. 4160 designates the bald eagle as the official bird of the United States of America. You see, until yesterday, our nation struggled and stumbled, desperately searching for a reason to continue: We had no national bird.
It was awful.
Other countries laughed at us (probably). And the poor bald eagle was forced to stand outside the velvet ropes, hanging out with the falcons, doves, sparrows, pigeons, crows… and all the rest of the loser birds.
Finally, this heinous, unthinkable travesty has been rectified. Merry Christmas, America! Joe Biden is looking out for you!
But maybe this was a missed opportunity for pro-life Republicans. Maybe this bird-bill would’ve been a perfect opportunity for some Matt Walsh-style trolling:
Let’s make the human fetus our national bird!
Okay, I know what you’re thinking: “Scott, YOU are the bird-brained one. A fetus is not a bird!”
Ah, but are you sure?
After all, liberals are constantly telling us that a fetus isn’t a human. (If it is a human, then it has human rights — including the right to life.) So, if a fetus isn’t a human, maybe it’s a bird.
And besides, nobody even knows what a woman is. (Maybe a woman’s a bird, too.)
The upside of naming the fetus our new national bird is that FINALLY the fetus would be afforded a modicum of dignity, safety, and security: “Sorry, we can’t abort your seven-month-old fetus, ma’am. Federal law prohibits injuring our national bird.”
What good has the bald eagle done for us anyway? Sure, it looks kind of cool on our money, but the U.S. treasury could easily swap the image of the bald eagle with an image of a fetus. (Course, it would be a little spooky at the strip club, handing the “exotic dancer” a bill with a fetus on it. Would kill the mood pretty quickly, I’d imagine.)
So that’s what I’m asking you to support this Christmas Day: A national effort to change the national bird to a human fetus. And really, isn’t Christmas the perfect time?
On the day we celebrate the birth of one particular baby, maybe it’s worthwhile to reflect on all the other babies we’ve lost along the way.
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