Ladies and gentlemen, I’m about to introduce an idea so groundbreaking — so revolutionary — it just might change the world. I don’t want to overhype it, but it’s probably the single greatest idea in the history of the universe.
(It’s definitely better than sliced bread. Not sure how “sliced bread” became the measuring stick for great ideas, because I’m pretty flippin’ sure people have been slicing bread for a long time: All you need is bread and a knife. Actually, sliced cheese is more impressive than sliced bread, because it’s harder to cut and then you’ve gotta get each slice inside a plastic Kraft baggie.)
This is an idea that will radically improve your quality of life — and your quality of sleep.
I’ve figured out a way we can control time!
Now, I’m not the first madman to tamper with clocks. In fact, if you go online and read about George Washington, you’ll see he was born on Feb. 22, 1732, and that he died on December 14, 1799. But, if you do the math and add up how long he lived, your answer will be off by 11 days.
That’s because, in 1752, the Gregorian calendar was adopted by Great Britain and all its colonies. Wednesday, September 2, 1752, was directly followed by Thursday, September 14. They eliminated 10+ days! Just like that!
So there’s precedent for what I’m about to suggest.
Ladies and gentlemen, doesn’t it feel wonderful when we get an extra hour of sleep? It’s almost magical! Suddenly, you’re fully rested. Your whole quality of life improves! Now, imagine if you didn’t just feel this way once a year: Imagine if it happened over and over again!
Well, I’ve figured out a way we can get an extra hour of sleep every two months!
I know, I know: This is huge. (If Trump campaigned on this idea, he’d win in a landslide.)
Here’s the trick: We eliminate Leap Day.
Every four years, we have a February 29. Not anymore: If you were born on Feb. 29, your new birthday is March 1. (Don’t complain: You get to do that “march first” joke. Kids love it!)
Without Leap Day, we have 24 hours to eliminate over the next four years. And six times four is [uses fingers and checks calculator]… 24!
So, if we give ourselves an extra hour of sleep every two months, the math works absolutely, 100% perfectly: Leap Day is now unnecessary.
Isn’t this amazing?!
Now, in the name of full disclosure, I should probably acknowledge one small, tiny, insignificant flaw with this incredible masterplan: Eventually, it’s gonna start getting dark at noon and light at midnight. Little League games will be tough to follow. Animals will get confused.
But look, you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs. No plan is totally perfect; you always gotta pay the piper somehow. To me, the price is still worth it: If confusing your dog is the cost of an extra hour of sleep, so be it! (Dogs get confused a lot anyway. All you need to do is act like a ventriloquist, make a squeaky noise, and ask, “Who’s there, who’s there?!” No offense, but dogs are kinda dumb.)
There you have it. A foolproof plan for giving Americans an extra hour of sleep every two months. It’s the greatest idea in the history of great ideas!
If one of you could be a dear and forward my name to the Nobel Prize committee, I’ll be sure to thank you in my acceptance speech.
Now, I’m going back to bed.
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