Liberals are excellent at reimagining history. You name the event, the person, the details, or the setting, and they’ll somehow manage to reinterpret everything in such a way that validates every single lame-brained idea they’ve ever had.
The Soviet Union collapsing? That was just because nobody tried “real” communism. The USSR aligning itself with Hitler? Hey, we all gotta make tough choices sometimes, that’s why pencils have erasers. The rise of Islamic terrorism? Clearly, those disgruntled Muslims are angry over capitalism exploiting them. (Duh.)
Oddly, there’s one small slice of Americana that they haven’t even attempted to reimagine and reinterpret yet. And what makes it so odd is that this one thing is connected (at least tertiarily) to our natural environment, irresponsible humans, and the preservation of wildlife — three of their all-time favorite topics.
I’m speaking, of course, of Smokey the Bear.
There’s NEVER been ANYONE in American history who’s experienced more cruel treatment (with the *possible* exception of Native Americans, slavery, women’s suffrage, and a few other stuff). It’s absolutely mindboggling that it ever actually happened, but this is the God’s honest story behind the story:
In 1944, the U.S. Forest Service launched a Wildlife Prevention Campaign, which is currently the longest-running PSA (public service announcements) publicity campaign in American history. The star of the campaign is a forlorn bear in a brown hat and blue jeans named Smokey. Last month, the USDA threw a big, multimedia gala to celebrate Smokey’s 80th birthday. Ultimately, it’s impossible to dispute the campaign’s vast generational success: 80% of outdoorsmen were familiar with the PSAs. Seventy-five percent viewed Smokey as a positive role model for children.
To date, the Smokey PSA campaign has generated $1.6 billion(!) in donated media coverage. In fact, Smokey the Bear has the distinction of being one of only two Americans with personalized zip codes. One is the President of the United States of America (20500, in case you wanted to send a letter). The other belongs to none other than Smokey the Bear (20252).
But Smokey wasn’t just a cartoonist’s concept. He was a very real bear — a five-pound, three-month-old American black bear cub — when firefighters rescued him. The poor cub’s home in the Capitan Mountains of New Mexico burned to a crisp in a massive, out-of-control wildfire. Tragically, his mother, father, brothers, and sisters all perished.
So we named him Smokey?
This has GOT to be the sickest, most perverse name the United States government has EVER bestowed on anyone. I can’t even wrap my head around the mentality of naming an innocent orphaned bear cub — whose family, friends, and home all BURNED TO DEATH! — and then naming him “Smokey.”
When a hunter used a gun to shoot and kill Bambi’s mom, it would be like renaming Bambi “Gunsmoke.” (Or calling Tina Turner “Punchy.”) Seriously: What kind of warped, demented, depraved mind would do that?
But it’s actually not that uncommon. Normally, renaming things is a liberal’s package deal — a left-wing version of a BOGO. It goes hand-in-hand with reimagining history: New events need new names.
There are no more “ugly people” anymore, but alas, some folks (with unfortunate facial configurations) simply aren’t “conventionally attractive.”
No more “Latinos” or “Hispanics”; they’re all “Latinx” now (whether they like it or not).
Skeptical of newfangled vaccines? You’re a “science denier.”
No more NFL “team owners” or homes with “master bedrooms”; NFL franchises are owned by “team managers” with a “primary bedroom.”
Gay people have vanished, too; they’re now LGBTQ+ (give or take a handful of letters/symbols/hieroglyphics).
The government doesn’t “spend money” on anything anymore. Instead, it “invests” in critical programs.
Segregation used to be a terrible, awful, evil thing, but if you call it a “safe space,” you can exclude all the ethnicities you don’t like and nobody can complain!
Liberals don’t exist either; now they’re “progressives.” (Of course, since pro and con are opposites, the opposite of progress must be congress. And the opposite of constitution is what got Hugh Grant in trouble in the 1990s.)
But returning to the topic of Smokey the Bear, it’s just a matter of time until the liberals double back and claim their pelt. Smokey needs our help.
Most of all, he needs a new name. C’mon, guys. Give the poor bear a break. After all, “Only you can prevent liberals.”
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