Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first issue of your new web home for All Things Trump because, as we say in our slogan, “If Donald’s Not In It, It Never Happened!” (Sort of like that tree falling in the wilderness thing.) We follow the Trump news, so you don’t have to. So if you’re ever feeling a deficit in All Things Trump, you’ll know where to find us. (Also on Twitter, Facebook, and all the ships at sea — especially yachts.)
And now, off we go. Day One — The Daily Trump:
DATELINE DALLAS: Mogul to Mogul, Dallas Mavericks owner and cable TV czar Mark Cuban backs Trump. “He’s a game changer,” says the tycoon who may have even more money than Donald. (Hey, why doesn’t he run?) Cuban added Trump is “probably the best thing to happen to politics in a long, long time.” The Daily Trump concurs, but asks, why the “probably”?
DATELINE MANHATTAN (THE SNOBBY PART): Rape! Rape! Clueless Daily Bleat reporter Tim Mak accuses Trump of “violating” wife Ivana before Mak was born as scribe humiliates self on The Kelly File, proving (TRIGGER WARNING!) not all Asians are smart. Ivana joins Cuban in backing Trump. Rolling Stone’s Jann Wenner throws jealous fit, wants phony rape beat back. (Notice we resisted saying “Trumped up,” but we may use it later.)
DATELINE MANHATTAN (THE EVEN SNOBBIER PART): John Cassidy of The New Yorker (you know, the mag you used to subscribe to when James Thurber was alive) warns that Donald Trump’s Troubles Are Just Beginning. Cassidy claims Trump has bad judgement in lawyers. Maybe he should hire Bill Clinton… oh, wait.
DATELINE NORTH POLE: Donald Trump told Sarah Palin’s Mama Grizzly Radio that Palin should be part of a Trump administration. “She’s really a special person and I think people know that,” The Donald said to host Kevin Scholla. No word on what cabinet position he had in mind.
DATELINE NOT ETHIOPIA: Trump struck back Tuesday against President Obama who is apparently walking around Kenya staring at Donald on his smartphone, outraged that this could be his successor. Said The Donald: “These countries must be saying what’s going on over there? He’s over in Africa and he’s talking about Trump.” Better than the Iran Deal, says The Daily Trump.
DATELINE NO-MORE-TEACHERS-NO-MORE-BOOKS: Donald Trump will NOT prepare for the debate on August sixth. “I am what I am,” he tells CNN’s Don Lemon.
DATELINE ONLINE: Donald Trumps “trucker hat” sells out. All gone from store in Trump Tower. Whiny liberal lawyers wonder whether that’s a campaign contribution.
And speaking of WHINY… in its Wednesday edition, America’s Whiniest Newspaper (you guessed it — the New York Times) accuses Trump — in a “news” article, needless to say — of being “boorish and demeaning.” They should know.
And that’s it for today’s The Daily Trump, folks. More to come.