Welcome the New York Times' Great New Columnist — Vladimir Putin

Forget that creaky feminist Maureen Dowd.  Forget that pompous know-it-all Paul Krugman. And that pseudo-conservative neo-yuppie David Brooks. They’re all yesterday’s news and oh-so-repetitive. The New York Times has finally found a columnist worth reading.

He’s so good they might even be able to revive the late-lamented Times Select program and make a little money from him, bring that stock back and sell some papers, even the dead-tree kind.

Welcome, Vladimir Putin!

Okay, he’s occasionally guilty of a little disinformation KGB-style and his English can sound a little stiff and translated,  but he probably has the best set of ghost writers extant.  How about Yevgeny Yevtushenko?  Have any of Barack Obama’s speech-writing hacks ever written anything nearly as good as “Babi Yar?”  No bloody way!

So kudos to the New York Times for their new columnist.  He at least can back up his opinions with actions unlike the rest of the blowhards on their op-ed page.  Let’s hope his first column of September 11, 2013, is only the beginning of a long, literary relationship.

And the Times’ opening their pages to this man is all the more praiseworthy since so many had a false impression of President Putin as a neo-Stalinist bent on bringing back totalitarianism to Russia.  Wrong-o!  This is a Man of God, a man who walks humbly among the nations. Consider the pious conclusion of his first column:

My working and personal relationship with President Obama is marked by growing trust. I appreciate this. I carefully studied his address to the nation on Tuesday. And I would rather disagree with a case he made on American exceptionalism, stating that the United States’ policy is “what makes America different. It’s what makes us exceptional.” It is extremely dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation. There are big countries and small countries, rich and poor, those with long democratic traditions and those still finding their way to democracy. Their policies differ, too. We are all different, but when we ask for the Lord’s blessings, we must not forget that God created us equal.

So there you have it: Down with American exceptionalism, but up with the Lord. What a righteous man. And good for the New York Times, known for its atheistic tendencies, to give him space to express these views and make the world safer for humanity.

But it shouldn’t end here. The Times should open up more space to President Putin. Perhaps he should be featured in the sports and travel sections. He is known to be a great hunter and fisherman. As recently as this year he apparently caught the biggest pike on record. Who knows? He may out swim Mao yet, or even Diana Nyad.

So he is just the man for the New York Times — an international liar who has just made a complete fool of the president of the United States and shamed our country in the process while putting into question the entire future of the Middle East.

For his next column, perhaps he can finally tell us what happened in Benghazi. Sadly, there’s a better chance he’ll do it than our own administration.

(Artwork created using multiple Shutterstock.com images.)