Let's Just Admit That April the Giraffe Is Trolling Us, Ok?
This April the Giraffe thing is just getting completely out of control. She's been on the verge of labor for what, three months? Millions of Americans have been glued to their screens, watching the giraffe cam, hoping to see the moment when April gives birth to her 150-pound calf. Unfortunately, there's a 60-day window in which the blessed event could happen (apparently giraffe gestation isn't an exact science) and so we wait. And sometimes we report fake news, like I did last week when I was SURE that she was in labor and reported it here at PJM. In fact, I stayed up all night waiting for that blasted calf to drop, but the only thing that dropped was a pile of poo. My sincerest apologies to our readers who lost sleep that night because of my foolish belief that this giraffe is actually going to give birth sometime this decade. (And to RedState's Caleb Howe, a very nice and decent person who also caused his readers to lose sleep over my foolishness.)
I've come to suspect that April (and her crafty accomplices at Animal Adventure Park) may be punking all of us. I mean, how do we know she's even pregnant? Maybe she's wearing one of those pregnancy suits and the whole thing is a scam (I bet Toys R Us sells them in the Geoffrey the Giraffe section!). Or maybe the Russians are hacking the webcam and making it look like she's pregnant. Whatever it is, it's making me lose my ever loving mind. I have that webcam up on a screen 24/7 at my house and I have to know what April is doing at all times. I wait eagerly for the zoo's morning and evening updates to find out if there are any new signs of labor and I worry anytime April disappears into that dark corner of her enclosure. (If you're an April watcher you know exactly which corner I'm talking about!) (Can't someone spring for a second camera so we can see what's going on over there?) And anytime the livestream goes offline ... REFRESH! REFRESH! REFRESH!
And I'm not alone. Here's a Slack chat I had with a coworker here at PJM about April. (I'll call him "Earl" to protect his identity):
PJB: She's staring at me right now. Look at her, laughing her massive head off. Are you seeing this?
Earl: She just gave me some shade.
PJB: I saw that. She has a mean side-eye.
Earl: What a con artist.
PJB: Only consolation is that Oscar is an amazing photobomber.
Earl: The giraffe just punked me by taking a poop.
PJB: She did that to me the other night. I thought her water broke.
Earl: She's a con artist.
PJB: Giraffes are known pranksters.
Earl: They are nature's shifty tricksters.
PJB: I mean, just look at them. Deisgned for subterfuge.
Earl: This morning when I woke up, she was looking right at the camera ... mocking me. I'm serious. and yet I can't stop watching.
PJB: She has us right where she wants us.
Earl: She's been pregnant for 15 months. Doesn't she want to be done with it?
PJB: Look at her. Seriously.
Earl: SHE IS MOCKING US.
PJB: She's enjoying this. "Stupid humans. I'm the fakiest fake news you ever saw."
PJB: "And yet you watch."
Earl: I can't stop, I'm under her spell. She just gave me this look, like 5 seconds ago:
PJB: WOW. She is unbelievable.