News & Politics

Are We in a Pandemic or Not?

AP Photo/Alex Brandon

For the last eight months, what have we heard? “Wash your hands. Maintain social distancing. Wear a mask (even though at first we implored you, in no uncertain terms, not to wear a mask). Don’t go to work. Don’t go to school. Don’t go to church. Don’t go to the movies. Don’t you dare set foot in a restaurant. In fact, don’t do anything. If you’re not sure whether or not you should do something, just don’t. Because if you spread this virus, you’re killing Grandma. Do you want to kill Grandma? Now just sit at home and wait to die. Or else… well, you’ll die.”

I did what they told me to do. I tried to be a good citizen. I took the virus seriously. I stayed home 100% of the time instead of my usual 95%. I had my groceries and prescriptions delivered. I scrubbed my hands every time I went out to get my mail. I was a good boy.

And now, one little ol’ election result later, what am I seeing in the streets of major American cities?

Virus? What virus?

“But they’re wearing masks,” you scream. Oh, okay. Yeah, I forgot, a cloth mask is an impenetrable shield at the molecular level. You can scream and yell and sing as much as you want, and a little piece of cloth is going to keep a virus from spreading. Even if you’ve got it pulled down under your nose or looped under your chin. All those little droplets you’re spewing into the air and breathing in are now harmless, because of your magical force-field. That’s just plain #science, folks.

And now they want us to cancel Thanksgiving? After seeing that?

I’ve never attended a Trump rally, nor any other rally for any other political candidate. Nothing wrong with it. Just never been my bag, even before the pandemic. So I haven’t been scolded by CNN and NBC and the NYT and the rest of our moral, ethical, and intellectual betters for participating in “superspreaders.” Anytime there’s a public gathering that has anything to do with Trump, the journos aim their hawk-like focus at anybody without a mask or within six feet of somebody else. Now they’re all cheering on this sort of public COVID-spreading spectacle, because they got the electoral result they wanted.*

It’s a Bidenmas miracle!

Naw, man. That ain’t how this works. Let me put it in terms that even the most ADD-addled millennial or zoomer can understand:

THE 👏 VIRUS 👏 DOESN’T 👏 CARE 👏 WHY 👏 YOU’RE 👏 SPREADING 👏 IT 👏

It’s a virus. It doesn’t care what color your baseball hat is. It doesn’t care which hashtags you tweet. It doesn’t care whether you’re happy or sad about the result of an election. It’s a virus.

And now that the libs have had their big party and survived their hangovers, they can get back to scolding the rest of us:

The virus is deadly when it fits the narrative of Jake Tapper and his comrades, and it’s not deadly when they don’t need it to be. It all depends on the observer. It’s Schrodinger’s Cough.

Sorry, but I will not be scolded about COVID by people who were just passing around champagne bottles in the street because they finally got their cookie after throwing a fit for four years.

Congratulations, you won. I hope you enjoyed your Biden party, and I hope it doesn’t literally kill you.

*I know, I know: It’s not over yet. Look, whatever happens happens. If Trump can prove voter fraud, fine. If he can’t, also fine. Either way, his opponents are even bigger @$$holes than he is.