News & Politics

Protesters with Fake(?) Guillotine Demand Money from Jeff Bezos

AP Feed

This week, Jeff Bezos became the first human being in history to earn $200 billion. That’s a whole lotta speedy, hassle-free deliveries! To give you an idea how much money that is, picture Ted Turner. (Sorry.) Now picture Ted Turner standing on Ted Turner’s shoulders. Now stack 98 more Ted Turners on top of those two. A looooong ladder made up of Ted Turners, stretching up into the sky. One hundred Ted Turners. That’s how much Jeff Bezos is worth. In terms of money, anyway. Ted is utterly priceless, no matter how small his stack is in comparison.

Now, notice I just said Bezos earned that money. Our friends on the left would strenuously disagree with that assertion. They believe that all property is theft — except, of course, when it’s their property — which makes Bezos the biggest criminal in the world. The richer he gets, the more they hate him. They’ll keep ordering from Amazon because it’s by far the best way to shop that has ever been invented, but they don’t have to like the guy who’s profiting from it.

So it just makes sense that they’d build a guillotine and stand outside Bezos’ house with a bullhorn to yell about capitalism or whatever.

“Give us $30 an hour!”
“Why?”
“Why not?”

Well, there’s no arguing with that. Seriously, there just isn’t, it’s not an argument.

And no, I’m pretty sure they didn’t buy that guillotine on Amazon. The closest matches I can find are a desk-sized guillotine paperweight ($34.90 and free shipping) and a guillotine bagel slicer ($17.99 and free shipping with Amazon Prime). Neither of those would really do the job. Looks like they built that thing themselves, so they’ve got that going for them once the revolution comes.

Keep in mind that these protesters are threatening Jeff Bezos with a guillotine peacefully. This is in no way an escalation of rhetoric. It’s absolutely not an attempt to instill fear or inflame anger. Everybody knows it’s perfectly rational to stand outside a man’s home with an infamous implement of execution, screaming that you want his money. We’ve all been there, right?

And of course, if this were some right-wing group standing in front of a rich man’s house with a guillotine, it would be days-long headline news. “Look at the scary Trump-humpers! What is this country coming to???” Etc. But journos agree with these idiots, even the WaPo hacks who work for Bezos, so they’ll just look the other way.

I applaud Jeff Bezos for making more money than anybody has ever made in the history of the world, and for angering some dumb commies by being better than they are. And now that Bezos has amassed this unbelievable wealth, he can move on to the final phase of his master plan:

Destroy Superman.

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