News & Politics

Nancy Pelosi Struggles Through Coronapocalypse With Her Fancy Designer Ice Cream

Speaker Nancy Pelosi poses in front of her luxurious freezers. Source: Twitter.

The past month has been tough on everybody. Most of us are worried about getting COVID-19 the Chinese virus (except for the Real Americans™ who realize this is all just a plot by the doctors and scientists and Bill Gates to make Trump look bad), and many of us are out of work and don’t know what to do. Right now we need solid leadership to show us the way out of this mess. We need a clear vision for the future. In other words, we need House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).

On Monday night, Speaker Pelosi was kind enough to share some of her time with someone named James Corden, who is apparently some sort of late-night talk show host. Doesn’t ring a bell, but then I haven’t really paid attention to that sort of thing since Letterman passed away. But here are Pelosi and Corden having a chat about the grim consequences of this global pandemic:

Corden: But where are you right now in the world, and how long have you been there? And more importantly, how are you coping through all this?

Pelosi: Well, I came from Washington, about 10 days ago, to California. And again, I wish that we knew when I could go back. But we’re coping pretty well. I had my grandchildren from New York, who are here, and they had to get up at 5 o’clock in the morning to do their classwork, 8 o’clock in New York. And so that starts the day bright and early. But it is a wonderful opportunity for them that I wish all children would have.

Oh.

Well, nothing says “Woman of the People” quite like posing in front of two of your enormous gleaming stainless-steel luxury refrigerators with a sweater tied around your neck. What color is that, is that peach? No, more of a tangerine. Pumpkin, perhaps. Very comforting, in any case. Whoever dresses Pelosi is earning his and/or her pay.

It’s good to know that Speaker Pelosi and her family are okay. As this Corden fellow notes, there’s nothing more important to us all than Pelosi’s well-being.

If that wasn’t delightful enough for you, Pelosi herself has shared even more of her wonderful James Corden interview with the world:

“I don’t know what I would have done if ice cream were not invented.” I know, right? Down with ICE, up with ice cream!

This is something every single American can appreciate, and it’s not at all tone-deaf. Those containers of Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams you saw packed into Pelosi’s freezers are only $12 per pint, so you can buy literally 100 of them with your Trump check. Almost as many as Pelosi has. Now that’s what I call bipartisanship!

By the way, what sort of mouthwash does James Corden use? I hope it’s very strong, considering where his tongue just went. All the social distancing rules in the world won’t keep a CBS employee from kissing a Democrat’s keister.

Now we know why Pelosi screwed around for a week when America needed her help. Now we know why she made sure the Kennedy Center got their additional $25 million, after which they fired everybody anyway. It’s not because she’s out of touch with average Americans. She’s just distracted because she hasn’t been getting enough chocolate ice cream. Can you blame her? It’s delicious!

Come to think of it, aren’t artisan dairy confections a human right? Why do we have to pay for them ourselves? Why isn’t the government footing the bill, you fascists?

Keep living your best life, Nancy Antoinette. And if anybody doesn’t like it… let them eat ice cream!

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