News & Politics

AOC: 'It's a Physical Impossibility to Lift Yourself Up By a Bootstrap'

(Nick Wagner/Austin American-Statesman via AP)

Within the last 18 months, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has gone from working as a waitress and bartender to becoming an international celebrity and the future of the Democratic Party. But if you think her amazing success was the result of pulling herself up by her bootstraps, you couldn’t be more wrong. You definitely shouldn’t say that to her, because it really ticks her off.

No, seriously!

She didn’t even wear boots, okay? Like, who wears boots to a waitressing job anyway? And even if she did, what would happen if she pulled up on the straps? Nothing, that’s what! Unless the straps broke. Then she would need new boots, which would cost money she didn’t have, because she was a waitress. Duh!

What’s next, ordering jumbo shrimp? Uhhh, make up your mind, dude.

So if you want to make it in life, don’t “pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” whatever that even means. Instead, you should do what AOC did: Win an election against a lazy, complacent incumbent, be 28 years old and moderately attractive, and say absolutely anything Democrats want to hear.

If you can’t do all that for some reason, then just give up on yourself and let the government take care of you from the cradle to the grave. Let the billionaires pay for it all. They can afford it.