News & Politics

John Kerry Is Fighting 'World War Zero' Against Climate Change or Something

John Kerry might not be the most boring human being who has ever lived, but he’s definitely the most boring politician. Few bureaucrats can say so little, at such great length, to absolutely no effect. He’s so dull that the phenomenon itself is almost interesting. Almost. It’s as if banality is a super-power and he is its master. Fifteen years after the 2004 election, the idea that the average American found Kerry less interesting than George W. Bush is hilarious. And now Kerry is channeling his talent for mind-numbing tedium in order to save the planet. He’s going to stop global warming by boring us all to death.

Kerry has formed some sort of group called World War Zero, which describes itself thusly: “We’re uniting unlikely allies with one common mission: making the world respond to the climate crisis the same way we mobilized to win World War II.” Oh, is that all? Well, if you’re gonna fail, fail big. If nothing else, World War Zero is the perfect name for a war that doesn’t exist.

Here’s Kerry talking to The Atlantic about whatever this thing is supposed to be:

“We’re really focused on getting everybody on the same page: that the goal of 2045, 2050 for a low-carbon, no-net-carbon economy is critical. Let’s get everybody moving in that same direction, agreed that we have to reach that goal urgently—almost treating it like war, literally. Because if we don’t get on a war footing in order to do what we have to do … we’re not going to make it. We’re not going to get the job done—to do what we set out to do in Paris and elsewhere, that the scientists tell us we have to do….”

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZhuh? What? I’m awake. I’m awake!

Because Kerry is so uniquely boring, he’s recruited some Hollywood stars to try to make us pay attention. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Leonardo DiCaprio are the biggest names, as well as the biggest carbon footprints. I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t convinced I was killing the planet until some millionaire actors with yachts and private jets told me so.

It must be serious, they’ve got a logo and everything:

Here here are Kerry and Schwarzenegger talking about it on Meet the Press this weekend. Test yourself: How many seconds can you watch John Kerry and Chuck Todd on the same screen?

SPOILER: Then Arnold got into his Hummer and drove home to one of his mansions.

I’m not going to do what these guys tell me to do, but I encourage Arnold to keep going on TV and scolding all of us for living our lives in the 21st century. Every minute he spends not making another Terminator movie is a gift to the whole planet.