News & Politics

Biden Claims He Told Obama Not to Endorse Him; Yeah, That's the Ticket

(AP Photo/Michael Dwyer)

Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. is the last honest man in politics. He has never lied to you in his life, and he never will. Just ask him! So when he tells you not only that he doesn’t need Barack Obama’s endorsement, but that he specifically turned it down, you know he’s telling you the truth.

Here’s Joe on 60 Minutes last night, slinging some of that good ol’ malarkey:

Norah O’Donnell: Some have asked, why hasn’t President Obama endorsed you? You guys served together for eight years.

Joe Biden: Because I have to own… I wanna earn this on my own.

NO: Did he offer to endorse you?

JB: No, we didn’t even get there. I asked him not to. He said, “Okay.” I think it’s better– I think he thinks it’s better for me. I have no doubt, when I’m the nominee, he’ll be out on the campaign trail for me.

Well, why would he say it if it weren’t true? In other news, I just told the Pulitzer and Nobel committees not to even bother nominating me this year, and I begged Charlize Theron to stop stalking me and move on with her life.

Just imagine what that conversation between Barry and Joe must’ve been like:

“Mr. Biden, I–“

“Mr. Biden was my dad. Call me Joe.”

“Sorry! Joe, thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet with me. Look, I know how you feel about this, but I really, really want to endorse you for president in 2020. It’s very important to me. Please, please, I’m begging you!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy there, pardner. I know you feel like you owe me big-time, after everything I’ve done for you and your career, and you’re absolutely right. You wouldn’t be where you are today if not for me. But don’t worry about it. I got this. You’re a good kid, but I wanna earn this on my own.”

“Okay.”

Yep. That’s exactly how it happened. Gotta be.

I know it’s irrational, but I still kinda like Biden. Or at least I dislike him less than any other Democrat with a realistic chance of getting the nomination. This is Joe’s last hurrah. One last shot at relevance. He really blew his chance when he let Hillary intimidate him out of running last time, and now it’s probably too late. He might’ve beaten Trump in 2016, but I can’t see it happening in 2020.

Fortunately for him, I’m wrong about everything!