News & Politics

Make America Great Again by Cheering When People Lose Their Jobs at Christmastime

Bill Kristol attends Politicon at The Pasadena Convention Center on Saturday, Aug. 29, 2017, in Pasadena, Calif. (Photo by Colin Young-Wolff/Invision/AP)

The Weekly Standard closed down last Friday after 23 years, four presidents, and one generation that has come of age believing that real socialism has never been tried. The warning signs of the magazine’s demise were there for weeks in advance, if not months, so it gave MAGA Nation plenty of time to plan their parade.

A lot of people hated TWS because it dared to criticize Trump. He ran and won as a candidate for the Republican Party, so Republicans are just supposed to march in lockstep with him. That’s what the word “conservative” has come to mean in 2018 America. Being a “conservative” means shutting up and doing as you’re told. But the magazine didn’t accept that everything Trump says is true and everything he does is good, just because he’s on “the same team.” They thought for themselves and called it like they saw it.

And that was simply unforgivable:

Well, if anybody knows about failed businesses, it’s Trump.

The president of the United States is celebrating because a bunch of Americans just lost their jobs two weeks before Christmas. I was relentlessly critical of Obama for eight long years, and I can’t imagine him doing this.*

If you’ve paid any attention to Trump’s public statements, you know this could’ve been written by an algorithm:

[Hostile adjective] + [Hostile adjective] + [Name of somebody who has criticized Trump] + [Factual inaccuracy] + [Parting taunt punctuated with exclamation point]

The only surprise is that he used “prognosticator” correctly in a sentence. I wouldn’t have prognosticated that, so kudos to President Trump on that one.

Trump didn’t always feel that way about the magazine, of course. Why, just a few years ago he was saying stuff like this:

But then, that was before they hurt his feelings. If you boost Trump’s ego, you’re good. If you bruise it in any way, you’re bad. It’s really not complicated. A lot of people seem to like that about him, though, and they’re welcome to it.

I think some of the criticism of Bill Kristol is warranted. He has allowed his visceral dislike of one man to overtake his common sense at times. He’s gone full #OrangeManBad. But I’m not cheering the fact that Kristol’s employees are spending their Christmas looking for new jobs, probably because I’m a cuck RINO traitor too.

The fine folks who are gloating at the demise of TWS keep claiming it was a useless magazine with no influence, yet they’re acting like they’ve defeated a mighty enemy. If you’re not sure how they reconcile the two, well… MAGA means never having to say you’re thinking.

This is also something to remember the next time anybody tells you that Trump critics are only motivated by money. I know that my dissent hasn’t done anything for my “career,” and I don’t think the people who just lost their jobs at Christmastime were only in it for the money either.

I’ll miss The Weekly Standard. I didn’t always agree with everything I read there, but it was always well-written. And it was home to Matt Labash, the funniest and most perceptive writer of my generation. I look forward to seeing what he does next.

If you’re happy about this, I’m even happier that I’m not one of you. Thank you for reminding me why I didn’t sell my soul.

*In a way, I have to appreciate Trump’s strange form of honesty here. Obama would’ve privately chuckled at an enemy’s downfall, and then left it to his repulsive lickspittles in the press to do the public taunting for him. At least Trump doesn’t try to hide what a bad person he is.