Back in June, I presented “Five Ways the Democrats Can Stop Trump from Replacing Anthony Kennedy.” I thought they were pretty good suggestions, including time travel, cloning Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and putting Anthony Kennedy’s brain in an indestructible robot body. At that point, four long months ago, it looked like those science-fictional concepts were the Democratic Party’s only options to prevent the inevitable.
How naive I was! I forgot that it’s 2018. I forgot that the Democrats lost an election to a guy they thought was going to get stomped into the dirt by Hillary’s sensible pumps, and therefore there are no more rules. The Dems can just accuse a highly respected jurist like Brett Kavanaugh of rape, based on absolutely no evidence whatsoever, because they fear he’ll thwart their political goals. Their base will eagerly participate in the witch hunt, as will their helpful acolytes in the press. They’ll drag a good man’s name through the mud. They’ll assiduously scour through his yearbooks for important clues about his rapey ways, like “boof” and “Devil’s Triangle.” They’ll exploit a troubled woman’s pain, and then discard her the very instant she’s no longer useful to them. They’ll do whatever they damn well feel like doing, because they can’t accept that they lost.
They did all that, and they lost again anyway. Their desperate ploy didn’t work. At least not this time.
But don’t give up hope just yet, libs! There’s still a way out of this, via the one avenue that remains unexplored: the shadowy realm of black magic.
A group of witches says they plan on placing a hex on newly-appointed Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh this weekend.
The witches will gather at Catland Books, a “metaphysical boutique and occult bookshop” in Brooklyn, New York on Saturday, according to the event’s Facebook page…
There will also be a second ritual after the initial hex called “The Rites of the Scorned One,” a ritual which “seeks to validate, affirm, uphold and support those of us who have been wronged and who refuse to be silent any longer.”
Well, sometimes you need to think outside the cauldron.
Now that Halloween is right around the spooky, terrifying corner, here are a few other occult methods of stopping Brett Kavanaugh:
- Replace his beer with witches’ brew. As we’ve all learned, Brett Kavanaugh likes beer. What could be less American than that? But it does present an opportunity for some magical payback. Kavanaugh probably has a beer fridge in his garage — he just looks like that kind of dad, right? — so all you need to do is sneak in there and switch out his beer for some sort of sorcerous potion. Maybe something that will transform him into a dog, or a newt, or his worst nightmare: a woman. Come to think of it, turn him into a woman and his wife into a man. Then he has to fetch beers for her! Er, I mean she has to… Oh, you know what I mean. This is no time for preferred pronouns, we’ve got a republic to save.
- Mystically switch his mind with Merrick Garland’s. Again and again over the past month, Dems have reminded us that nothing they’re doing is out of bounds. Why? Because Merrick Garland isn’t on the Supreme Court. The good guys didn’t get what they wanted, so all bets were off. Well, how about just putting Garland’s mind in Kavanaugh’s body? According to every body-switch comedy ever made, all you need is some sort of magical wish or artifact, and a guy who doesn’t deserve to live in his own body. Then you’ll have Garvanaugh sitting on the Supreme Court and keeping abortion legal, while Kavland suffers the ultimate punishment for all those rapes he probably did: obscurity.
- Have Doctor Strange turn back time. I know I said “time travel” already, but this is different because you don’t need a DeLorean or any scientific knowledge. Dr. Strange has the Time Stone, right? Well, okay, he doesn’t have it in his hands right now. But he will when he gets it back from Thanos, which obviously is going to happen, because they’ve already finished filming the next Spider-Man movie. And when Strange gets the Time Stone back, he can just turn back the clock so none of this ever happened. (Kavanaugh is basically Thanos anyway, except he doesn’t want to kill unborn children. Details, details.)
Presto, change-o, alakazot! Magical thinking is all that they’ve got!