News & Politics

PETA Just Freed the Animal... Crackers?

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has done a lot of good, important work over the years, but it still has a long way to go before all animals are treated ethically. McDonald’s is still open, no matter how many times PETA sends a college kid in a clown costume to hang around outside waving a meat cleaver. People still eat animal flesh every day, even if PETA gets some volunteers to strip down to their underwear, douse themselves in fake blood, wrap themselves in plastic, and lie down in front of a grocery store. Perhaps most disconcertingly, rappers still insist on referring to their disputes with each other as “beef.” (It’s like they don’t even care about their vegan fans!) This is a bad time to be an animal that can’t be used by humans as a pet, a form of entertainment, or a mode of transportation. You’re gonna get eaten, bud.

But things are getting better. PETA has just scored an important victory in the fight for the rights of animals. Well, sorta?

Dee-Ann Durbin, Associated Press:

Mondelez International, the parent company of Nabisco, has redesigned the packaging of its Barnum’s Animals crackers in response to pressure from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

PETA, which has been protesting the use of animals in circuses for more than 30 years, wrote a letter to Mondelez in the spring of 2016 calling for a redesign.

“Given the egregious cruelty inherent in circuses that use animals and the public’s swelling opposition to the exploitation of animals used for entertainment, we urge Nabisco to update its packaging in order to show animals who are free to roam in their natural habitats,” PETA said in its letter.

That’s right. Having already shut down the circus that gave these sugary treats their name, PETA has now coerced Nabisco into freeing the animals on the box from their imaginary cages:

Now these noble beasts are free to move about a cartoon landscape:

See? Don’t they look… um… happier?

This is huge win for the animal rights movement, of course, but it’s only the beginning. PETA needs to keep this momentum going and blackmail other companies into changing the unethical way they treat their fictitious animals. Here are just a few ideas:

Let the Trix rabbit eat some goshdarn cereal already. For decades, children have cruelly taunted this poor, desperate bunny: “Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids!”

But here’s something that all these generations of brainwashed tots have never asked themselves: Why? Why are Trix for kids only? Can’t it be for both kids and anthropomorphic lagomorphs? Why are you tormenting this poor innocent creature? What’s the purpose of this sadistic exercise in psychological torture? Just let him have a bowl of cereal so he can get on with his life. Do the right thing, General Mills.

Free Chuck E. Cheese. Slavery was outlawed over 150 years ago, right? Think again. It’s going on right under your noses, America:

Look at that poor mouse, face frozen in a rictus of faux delight, being forced to awkwardly caper and frolic for your amusement. This is what we’re teaching our children???

Ban Red Bull and Elmer’s Glue. There are far better ways to stay awake and/or attach stuff to other stuff, without exploiting our bovine brothers. Maybe no actual bulls are coming to any harm, but since when does that matter?

Stop tormenting the Aflac Duck. Who finds this cool or amusing?

This isn’t funny. Also, they fired Gilbert Gottfried, so screw them.

Hope that helps, PETA. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to buy some animal crackers. But instead of eating them, I’m going to pour out the box and set them free in the parking lot. Run, my little friends! Escape!