News & Politics

Only Nixon Could Go to China, and Only Trump Could Go to Space

Only Nixon Could Go to China, and Only Trump Could Go to Space
President Donald J. Trump speaks at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) at the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland on Friday, February 23, 2018. (Chris Kleponis/picture-alliance/dpa/AP Images)

Since the dawn of recorded history, mankind has gazed up at the night sky and pondered: “What if one day the Democrats nominated Hillary Clinton, so we could finally elect Donald Trump and he could form the United States Space Force?” For millennia, it seemed like an impossible dream. After all, who would be crazy enough to nominate her? But first America put a man on the moon, and then we kept a woman out of the White House. What came next was… well, my friends, you might say it was written in the stars.

CBS News:

Vice President Mike Pence laid out preliminary plans for President Trump’s proposed new “space force” during remarks at the Pentagon on Thursday. Mr. Trump officially directed the Defense Department to establish this sixth branch of the U.S. military in space in June, saying the space force would ensure American dominance in the final frontier.

It seems fitting that this was announced by the real-life Race Bannon.

Think about it, lefties: If Mike Pence is the homophobe you keep saying he is, why would he be so eager to explore Uranus?

And if you’re skeptical about the president’s commitment to this interplanetary initiative, keep in mind that he’s already tweeted about it:

If you want to reach escape velocity, you can’t just go some of the way. Not most of the way. All the way.

My only quibble is that they’re calling it the Space Force instead of the Airless Force. And of course, Galaxy Watch was already taken. Other than that, I love this idea.

Look, if you hate Trump so much that you want to mope around here on Earth while everybody else is getting into their spaceships and Making Andromeda Great Again, then keep on hatin’. Not me, man. I’m signing up for the Space Force.

I don’t care how arduous that first day is going to be:

I don’t care how tough they make basic training:

It’ll all be worth it just to help spread human civilization to the stars:

Now, I know what you’re saying. “You’ll never pass muster, Treach. You’re too fat and drunk to go to other planets and universes and whatnot. Keep dreaming, old man!” To which I reply… Oh yeah?

And if I wash out of the Space Force, I’m sure I can find some other way to explore the galaxy:

Seriously, though. Trump fans don’t like me because I criticize him when he messes up, but I can also recognize when he does something awesome. This is one of those times. Space is the place!

The Dems are going to mock and deride the Space Force, of course. They’ll whine about all the money we spend on space travel and awesome laser weapons and stuff, instead of giving everybody free medicine and finding a cure for death. But the Dems are only mad because it’s not their team getting the credit. Well, once upon a time they elected John F. Kennedy, a wealthy, philandering TV star who inspired America to send men into space. It took over 50 years, but now the Republicans finally have their own JFK.

I mean, shouldn’t liberals be eager to get off this planet? All they ever talk about is how awful we all are and how we’re destroying this place. Don’t they want us to save Mother Earth by finally leaving her alone?

Those America-haters can be jealous and butthurt all they want. The rest of us are going to outer space… to own the libs!