Faster, Please!

The Mahdi Replies

On July 12, the Iranian news agency ISNA published a letter written by
Chief of Staff Hassan Firouzabadi to the Shi’ite Messiah, the Hidden Imam.  He asked for assistance for the regime, defended the brutality of the Basij against peaceful Iranian demonstrators, and laid blame for the disturbances on the West.

Thanks to highly-placed sources in the armed forces, I have received a copy of the Hidden Imam’s reply to Firouzabadi, which follows here, without comment.

My Dear Hassan,

To tell you the truth I had given up on you.  THIRTY YEARS since your last letter?  Is that what passes for filial piety nowadays in the Islamic Republic?  The very visible Imam himself, the beloved Ayatollah Khomeini, spoke to me frequently.  It didn’t matter if things were going well or badly, he stayed in touch.   And Ahmadinezhad, who has his qualities, arranged to have all members of his government swear loyalty to me, and had the signed document delivered to me in my well.  But not you!  I only hear from you when you’re in a jam.

Needless to say, Hassan, I didn’t need that letter to see that you’re in a jam.  It doesn’t take a messiah to recognize that, everybody knows it, from the bazaars to the oil fields.  You’re afraid that you’re not up to it, that unless I intervene you might lose (otherwise you wouldn’t bother to write, would you?).

You’re right to be afraid.  You should be very afraid.

You want me to bail you out, as I did back in ‘79, when things were touch and go in Iran.  It was a tough fight, but you prevailed, although just barely.  It’s going to be tougher now, because back then people were angry at the shah for their misery.  Today, when they’re even more miserable, they blame you and your cohorts.

And they are right to blame you.  Your letter puts the blame on the satanic foreign infidels, with their tricky lies and their diabolical “velvet revolution.”  But they are not the cause of the rage against you.  They have not caused the near-epidemics of drug addiction and prostitution, the rage from unpaid workers, the anger of women whose value has been officially reduced to half a man’s.  You did that.

You did a lot of that in my name, as a matter of fact, which doesn’t go down well here at the bottom of my well.  You want to use an ‘iron hand’ to establish an order favorable to you, but I am all about chaos and confusion, out of which I will bring an order sanctioned by the Almighty, blessings be upon him.  You talk about a “Basij philosophy.”  What in the world is that?

Do you really believe that I am going to forgive you for the slaughter of my people?  Am I supposed to help you slaughter even more?  Is that what “Basij philosophy” means?

The End of Days, when I return to lead the glorious jihad against the infidels, will come about when the faithful are inspired to follow me, not beaten into passive submission by brutal self-proclaimed advocates of an undefined doctrine that justifies cruelty to my people.  Are you building an army of tortured and broken followers?  Are those the warriors you will deliver to my banner?  If so, the infidels will have an easy time of it, I fear.

At the moment, dear Hassan, as you have well described it, the faithful seem to be of quite a different spirit.  They want to be free to pursue the dictates of their own minds and inner moral instincts.  If you want my help, you should do everything possible to help them fulfill this admirable desire.

We can continue this chat if you wish.  As you see, I do not wait three decades to share my thoughts.

(Signed)

The Lord of Time

P.S.  How did you get my email address?  That is truly a profound mystery.