During some spiritual reading I did over the weekend, a major realization about marriage hit me smack on the chin like a Mike Tyson upper cut. The old Mike Tyson, not the shell of a man who stepped into the ring with influencer Jake Paul a year ago. The revelation knocked me straight to the mat, and I stayed down for the ten count.
I've been married for over 18 years now, which is impressive in a modern, easy-divorce culture like ours in the U.S. However, not a day has passed since my wife and I exchanged vows that I haven’t struggled to be a good husband. To be fair, and this isn’t to whine, I have a lot working against me. Doctors diagnosed me with ADHD/autism just this past year, but I’ve struggled with the complications these dysfunctions cause my whole life.
To put it mildly, I can be a difficult person to live with. My passions run high and hot. I can be fine one moment, then go off on a rant about something I care about like one of those old-time preachers hopping on a soap box at a street corner. I’m a very affectionate person who needs lots of physical touch and validation.
My wife, on the other hand, is my complete opposite. She too has ADHD/autism, as does my son, but instead of being overemotional, she rarely vocalizes her feelings or shows them through body language. She doesn’t care much for physical touch and gets easily overstimulated. You can probably see how this might cause some problems. We don’t communicate well. We struggle to speak each other’s love languages, which disconnects us.
In other words, to summarize things poorly, I need the "ooey gooey" stuff. My wife does not. Therefore, I often have difficulty finding the motivation to fulfill my responsibilities as a husband. And failing to fulfill my responsibilities as a husband leaves my wife feeling unloved. It’s a vicious cycle that repeats over and over, though sometimes things get better.
Over the weekend, I read a book by Catholic Bishop Robert Barron. For any Protestant readers, he’s like the John MacArthur or R.C. Sproul of the Catholic Church. In Centered: The Spirituality of Word on Fire, Barron included a short section, not more than a paragraph, about marriage that shook my world. It’s not that he said anything I didn’t already know, but the way he phrased it finally broke through my thick skull and reached the soft, often too-smooth brain inside.
In the section called “Your Marriage Is Not About You,” Barron wrote about counseling young couples preparing for marriage. The bishop said he asks them why they want to get married, and most reply, “We love each other.” Barron blows their minds by saying that’s no reason to get married in church.
The bishop then explained that a couple marries in church, before God and His people, because each person realizes marriage isn’t about “you.” In reality, marriage is about God—serving Him and His people, fulfilling the Lord’s purposes. That’s why you marry in church. He referred to marriage as a calling, a “sacred vocation.” And, just like those couples, I had my mind blown too.
Part of my problem with marriage is that I’ve made it all about me—what I want from my wife instead of how I can meet her needs. Instead of striving to fulfill my responsibilities and love her as Christ loves the Church, pouring Himself out for her unto death, I’ve sulked over what I don’t get from her.
I missed the whole point of marriage. Marriage symbolizes the relationship between Jesus Christ and the Church. Sacred Scripture tells us this in Ephesians 5:25–27. I’m to love my wife in the same sacrificial way Christ loves His Bride, the Church—giving every last drop of blood, both physically and metaphorically, to ensure she’s cared for.
Yes, the passage also says wives should respect their husbands. Wives ought to serve—the dirtiest word in our feminist culture—their husbands with joyful hearts. But that’s hard when husbands don’t love their wives biblically.
My wife’s love language is acts of service. When I do the dishes for her without being asked, she lights up and feels seen. When she’s in that mindset, she’s more likely to show me the affection I crave. We meet each other’s needs when I lead and fulfill my role as a husband. Working hard to provide a home for her and our children, being present in their lives, and helping around the house draws her out of her shell.
My wife is a daughter of the King of Kings. God entrusted her care to me. He didn’t join us as one flesh so I could take as much as possible from her, but so I could give as much of myself as possible for her good. I shouldn’t focus on what I can get, but on what I can sacrifice for her well-being. I must let God work in her heart while I focus on being the husband He’s called me to be.
The goal is to set an example for both those inside and outside the Church—to show what Christ’s love looks like in action. It’s a testimony, a witness to God’s goodness, a living gospel for a culture that desperately needs it. Whether I receive what I think I “need” or not, God commands me to fulfill my duties. That should drive me.
To wrap it up neatly, marriage isn’t about the "ooey gooey." Its foundation is God. If we love God above all things and put His will first, we can’t help but meet each other’s needs. When we turn inward and fixate on what we’re not getting, bitterness takes root. It becomes easy to criticize our spouse’s shortcomings. But when we focus on loving them well—willing their good—marriage becomes supremely satisfying.
