Enough Already. The Golden Globes Should Just Host a 'Naked' Show Next Year

I didn’t watch the Golden Globes. I’ll admit it. I would rather sit through a concert of second-graders playing the recorder than force myself to watch Hollywood weirdos give themselves awards. However, news from these stupid events is inescapable. I was surfing Twitter last night when I was assaulted by this image of some THOT I don’t know trying to squeeze her nipples into this dress that looks like it was designed by Edward Scissorhands.

Kristen Cavallari is literally shining at the #GoldenGlobes red carpet. pic.twitter.com/B8CsDgq4k9

— E! News (@enews) January 6, 2019

Ooooh, nearly naked actresses? We’ve never seen that before. And a few minutes later I saw this article, “See Every Naked Dress at the 2019 Golden Globes!” at Marie Claire gushing about the daring and scandalous peep show garb. Hilariously, the tagline said, “The stars weren’t afraid to bare it all!” but of course this is a lie. If they really were “brave,” they’d stop this stupid charade and actually bare it all and get it over with.

Look at this one. The reason she looks so pissed off is because she’s cold.

i stan @IndyaMoore pic.twitter.com/4OpemPltPx

— J. Escobedo Shepherd (@jawnita) January 7, 2019

And we’ve already seen Halle Berry topless in several movies, so why is this shocking?

Halle Berry at the 2019 #GoldenGlobes ❤️ pic.twitter.com/N74ZAmxgQK

— MEFeater Magazine (@mefeater) January 7, 2019

I have no idea who this is, but this dress looks like they forgot to line the top. Those things covering her nipples look like swimsuit inserts.

https://twitter.com/ThatGirlinTx/status/1082054817655283714

I guess the #MeToo movement has turned into #THOTSrUs. Do they want to be ogled and sexualized now? I can’t keep up. Here’s Taylor Swift, the queen of being offended when someone reaches out and grabs what she has nakedly on display.

Just wanna take a moment to talk about how beautiful @taylorswift13 looked at last night's #GoldenGlobes💫 pic.twitter.com/Mr1Qu1KwEQ

— MTV (@MTV) January 7, 2019

You can look, but don’t you dare touch it or you’ll end up in court! (And you probably shouldn’t even talk about how “hot” these girls are because that’s objectifying too, you Neanderthal!)

This dress has a bazillion cuts in it… or is it made of the threads of her remaining dignity? I don’t know.

Saoirse Ronan walks the red carpet at the #GoldenGlobes pic.twitter.com/rSqfRAOGmu

— We Heart Saoirse (@weheartsaoirse) January 7, 2019

OMG ENOUGH ALREADY… this one looks like she’s auditioning for a starring role in Harvey Weinstein’s hotel room.

Sibley Scoles pic.twitter.com/26FpBpBDrC

— SIBLEY SCOLES (@Sib_Vicious) October 14, 2017

Why don’t these women knock off the charade already and just go naked? Isn’t that what they want? Wouldn’t it be easier than trying to stuff your nipples into something that simply won’t contain them or using glue on sensitive parts of your body to keep your “dress” in place? Instead of pretending to “bare it all,” just do it already. It’s so damn tiring to watch these people try to out-naked each other. Next year, the Golden Globes should host a “Naked Event” and let everyone walk the runway completely nude. Then maybe we can go back to a time when actual gowns that cover more than nipples and pubic hair can come back in style.

Why can’t any of these people ever be dignified? Meanwhile, they want us all to take them very seriously when they complain they are objectified and treated as sex objects (while dressing like sex on a stick that’s on sale for bargain basement prices). Remember when sexy was glamorous and understated and didn’t leave you feeling like you need a shower?

Here’s a look back at the last time the Golden Globes was decent.

@MarilynMonroe at the 17th Annual @goldenglobes in 1960 where she won Best Actress in a Leading Role – Musical or Comedy for SOME LIKE IT HOT (1959) 🔥#marilynmonroe #goldenglobes #goldenglobes2019 #oldhollywood #vintagehollywood #classichollywood #goldenageofhollywood pic.twitter.com/KhrXeWWTEP

— mptv Images (@mptvimages) January 6, 2019