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Iran Halts Nuclear Program Because 'Nice Diplomat' Asked Them To

In a shocking turn of events, after years of resistance Iran has unilaterally halted its own nuclear program. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke to reporters late yesterday and announced the “total and complete” abandonment of “all efforts” toward creating a nuclear bomb. He cited “really nice U.S. diplomat” as the reason.

“We were wholeheartedly committed to developing a nuclear bomb so that we could basically win the Middle East in its entirety for Allah, by destroying all of our enemies, in particular those Satans in Israel, but probably Saudi Arabia too, and anyone else who looked at us crosswise,” said Ahmedinejad. “We also really enjoyed shaking our little stick at the US and watching them bend over. But then this really nice man from the U.S. asked us to stop, so we did! We also gave the drone back. What do we need it for?”

Not many believed that a U.S. foreign policy of submissive, pandering wussiness could ever actually achieve anything. Critics of the policy of weakness came from both sides of the aisle and included current and former military generals. In spite of such rampant, intense opposition, Obama and the Clinton State Department have held firm to their policy of “making nice” with the Iranians, convinced of its efficacy as a universal foreign policy, but also because they simply like Islamic dictators. One of the most outspoken critics against the administration’s actions has been Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who responded to the news of the halted Iranian program by saying, “I’m happy to be wrong.”