The midterm elections are here, and my stomach hasn't felt this way since my last repor-card day back in high school, when I struggled to maintain a "D+" average to graduate.

FACT-O-RAMA! A "D+" was a passing grade back in 1983 when Franklin High School kindly regurgitated me out the doors for the final time with a diploma.

Never mind my scholastic tragedies; let's get down to what I do know: bourbon and some occasionally accurate predictions.

Kathy Hochul Vs. Bruce Blakeman: New York Gubernatorial Race. FIGHT!

There is much riding on this election, but I assure you of one thing: it won't be devastating if we lose. Yes, real communism is on the ticket, and of course the "coincidental" breakdown of machines had already begun in Westchester County, N.Y., as of this morning.

     Related: Rep. Mike Lawler Begs Voters Not to Give Up After Extreme Machine Failures

Not to worry, the worst governor in the nation (as per the Cato Institute), Kathy Hochul, who is running against Bruce Blakeman for the keys to the governor's mansion, the man who made his home, Nassau County, N.Y., the safest county in the country (as per U.S. News & World Report), is here to assuage our concerns:

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FACT-O-RAMA! Most of these voting machines are used only once a year. How they were given the wrong-sized paper ballots is beyond explanation.

PREDICTION: If the cheating is kept to a minimum in New York state, which seems unlikely, Blakeman can pull this one out. Hochul is a political pariah who was ignored by many of her own people while campaigning. She has the stench of political death upon her. She raised taxes to pay for illegal immigrants to invade her state, including one who slaughtered a family of four, and the savage who tied a 13-year-old girl to her male friend and raped her.

Mike Rogers Vs. Abdul El Sayed: Michigan Senate Race. FIGHT!

The diminutive, terrorist-snuggling Red-Green alliance communist Abdul El-Sayed is in trouble. A pile of Democrats, including Rep. Haley Stevens, have denounced him and endorsed his competitor, Mike Rogers.

Many in the black community of Wayne County (that's where Detroit is located) have turned their backs on El-Sayed, largely due to Muslim-on-black violence, including my super exclusive, childhood neighborhood in Detroit story where a Muslim woman had an accident with a black woman, who was then robbed by a mob from the "religion of peace," in an incident that took place across the street from Grandma Downey's house.

PREDICTION: El-Sayed will take Ann Arbor, but I suspect he will lose too many black votes in Wayne County. He will get the lion's share of Muslim votes and a shocking 50% of the state's 100,000 Jewish votes.

Rogers can win if the cheating is kept to a minimum, which seems unlikely, but I'm going with Rogers anyway.

      Related: Fake Voting Location Change Texts in Georgia and 2,500 Impossibly Old Voters in Michigan

James Talarico Vs. Ken Paxton: Texas Senate Race. FIGHT!

Talarico is a vegan, trans-kid-loving freak show; Paxton is a Texan.

PREDICTION: Unless the Democrats turn their cheat knob to 11, I predict Paxton clobbers Talarico.

I also suspect the following may happen:

FACT-ORAMA! A woman in Minnesota dropped an "n-bomb" on a young Somali thief and made over $950,000 on GiveSendGo. Somali fatigue is real.

I will be live-blogging the election tonight with my PJ pals LIVE from the America First Warehouse, the most patriotic venue in the galaxy, as I sip Spy Trail's Black Tea bourbon, created in honor of the Boston Tea Party. Spy Trail is a nod to George Washington's Long Island-based Culper spy ring.

FACT-O-RAMA! I must warn you, my 2022 midterm predictions went down like the Hindenburg, so if I'm off, blame the delicious bourbon.