Stand-up comedy, arguably one of the few American-born performance arts, was already on life support. It’s been circling the drain for a few years.
I missed the comedy boom of the ’80s, when every hotel, bar, and roadside Dairy Queen seemed to have a comedy night. Comedians with no TV credits were making $1,000 per week as an MC. The headliners were bringing down $3,000 and could take their pay in “green or white” (white was cocaine) or a combination of both. Comedy groupies, known affectionately as “chuckle-f***ers,” threw themselves at comics. They were rockstars.
When I finally had the chops to hit the road in the mid-’90s, the glory days were over, but the clubs were still thriving. I could work in Indianapolis from Wednesday to Sunday then drive down to Bloomington, Ill., on Monday to do two shows at “Bear’s Club” (two shows on a Monday were unheard of outside of Las Vegas). Tuesday night I’d work a bar gig in Lexington, Ky., then off to Lousiville to bang out eight shows Wednesday thru Sunday. I’d kill Monday in a cheap motel and start the whole thing over in Akron, Ohio, on Tuesday.
Those days are long gone. Not because of anything in particular (except perhaps oversaturation), but times changed and audiences got smaller. Clubs began to drop nights. Wednesday to Sunday became Thursday thru Saturday. Then the liberals gave comedy a five-minute, speed-bag punch-up.
First, the woke brigade attacked in full force. The free speech-loving New York City audiences who watched Lenny Bruce get arrested for simply dropping F-bombs were long gone. Their entitled, purple-haired hipster grandkids now slouch in the booths of some of the very same venues where comedy flourished decades earlier. They stare in anticipation, hoping a comedian will say a trigger word and “allow” them to flip out. If they hear a joke they don’t like, they get their non-binary underclothing in a twist, shout something about bigotry, and leave without tipping their servers. I’ve had it happen more than once.
FACT-O-RAMA! I have a joke that involves, but does not make fun of, a transgender dude. When I say the word “transgender” I can almost hear their gender-free gonads go brittle. Honestly, I only wrote it to teach them a lesson: shut up and listen to the joke, and don’t soil your thongs over a word.
So the clubs were already dying a natural death, and the woke crybabies did their damage; then COVID-19 was sent over by China to undermine Trump’s re-election bid reared its ugly head. Every club in the country was closed, in some places for well over a year. Then came the Saint George Floyd riots, followed by defunded police departments in big cities.
Most of the clubs have re-opened but with even fewer shows per week. Left-leaning mask-pansies are still afraid to go out, so audiences are smaller. Suburb-dwellers have no interest in going to downtown comedy clubs in large cities where crime runs rampant. Who wants to get carjacked right after paying $20 to park?
What can the left do to give stand-up comedy a coup de grace? How about allowing one of the biggest actors in Hollywood to assault and curse out one of the biggest comedians of our time on stage?
Today, every comedian in the U.S. is on Facebook making nervous jokes about the likelihood of Will Smith copycats walking on stage and walloping a comic over a joke that hurt their little feelings. I’ve had people charge me on stage. I’ve seen situations that look like an episode of “When Animals Attack.” With stage lights in my eyes, drunk, charging hecklers can be impossible to see until their fist is bouncing off my pretty head.
“Will Smith just encouraged every insecure wanna-be tough guy that it’s ok to leave the audience, go on stage and smack and try to intimidate someone for a joke,” said Eric Potts, comedian, retired police officer, and radio personality on NJ 101.5 FM. “Every insecure MFer who now walks into a comedy club is thinking ‘If he says something I don’t like I’m going up.’ It’s just wrong and anyone defending him is wrong.”
Will smacking a comic become the next TikTok challenge? No one knows, and many comics are a little jittery. Lefty comedians who arrogantly scoffed at weapons of any sort suddenly want to know if Kyle Rittenhouse is for hire.
“Hey KDJ, what kind of weapon can I carry on stage that is legal in New York City?”
HAHAHAHAHA! Good luck. Ask your new and improved commie mayor. How about that special New York City “no more tears” pepper spray that doesn’t work?
Don’t worry about your ‘ole pal KDJ. I’ve been doing this too long to get hurt.
And WHAM! Suddenly I'm not the only "wackjob" comedian who brings a gun on stage. pic.twitter.com/DWOJceCRQu
— Kevin Downey, Jr. (@kevindowneyjr) March 29, 2022
No, I don’t really bring an AR-15 on stage. But I do know comics who legally carry a gun.
Pepper spray can carry through a comedy club. Pepper GEL hits the Will Smith copy-cat in the eyes and can't be wiped off until you've introduced his face to your elbow. #ImHereAllWeek pic.twitter.com/eKZjUv9uNk
— Kevin Downey, Jr. (@kevindowneyjr) March 29, 2022
FACT-O-RAMA! If a New York City police officer (NYPD) catches you with pepper-gel and asks you why you have it, you will go to jail if you say, “Because the commies ruined our city, and I’m afraid to get raped or killed.” You have a good chance of walking away if you say, “Because my neighbor walks his pit bull without a leash.” I heard that from a cop. True story. If you carry it for use on humans, you’re in trouble. How insane is that?
Fail to laugh at a joke, and its Say Hello time. #ComicsFightBack pic.twitter.com/M81LEn4FfH
— Chris Baldassano (@Baldassano) March 29, 2022
“There are two sides to everything, like this isn’t the internet so, if you say something be prepared to be confronted,” said comedian Mark Riccadonna. “Years of cyberbullying with no consequences caught up to us in public.”
Below is the most famous comedian vs. assclown videos in comedy.
WARNING: the following videos contain violence and/or GRAPHIC language.
“Fair warning: If you attack comics, they will hit back,” said comedian Sean D. Shank. “Most of the comedians I know are unstable as it is. Why in the hell do you think they’re traveling the country standing in front of strangers looking for acceptance in the currency of laughter every night?? Probably not because they received enough hugs as kids. If you think you’re going to get away with physically assaulting a comic, you are likely going to catch the bottom of a mic stand in the skull. If so, you’ll finally learn that actions have consequences.”
This video was made back when comedy clubs could afford security,
Related: Why Punish Will Smith? The Left Loves Violence
FACT-O-RAMA! The worst audience members are brain-dead, dopey puddles of inadequacy who can’t stand to see another man make his girlfriend laugh in a way he cannot. And bachelorette parties. They are atrocious. They should avoid comedy clubs and take their penis straws to the Golden Banana and throw dollar bills at oily men.
As sure as the sun will rise, so will the drunk, entitled dunces who believe comedians are fair game to clown-slap if they dare tell a joke that some dolt doesn’t like. We can thank Will Smith for that, along with the Hollywood elites who handed him a trophy after he slapped one of our most successful comedians over big, bad words. The good news is, as Sean D. Shank pointed out, every seasoned comedian knows the value of a sturdy microphone stand. I’ve raised one more than once when some jackpudding didn’t like a joke he paid me to hear.
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