How to Identify the Five Worst Types of Liberals

Libs are like weeds. They will attempt to dominate your neighborhood, no one wants them around, and some have thorns. They also make you itch. Consider this article your weed whacker.

The first thing you have to do is to recognize which type of lib you are dealing with. There are many kinds, and here are the five worst libs I still encounter.

Classic Liberal

My Classic Liberal friend Gary once said to me, “I may not agree with what you say but I will fight to the death for your right to say it.” The last time I heard from him, he was on Facebook telling me I should consider not posting my opinions if I wanted to keep working. I wish I was kidding.

The Classic Lib pretends to be a middle-of-the-road, open-minded person who doesn’t see skin color yet applauds Biden’s choice to find a SCOTUS Justice based on gender and race.

The Classic Lib woman will feign interest in hearing a conservative’s opinions but tunes out when the conservative speaks and begins fantasizing that her son will turn out gay.

Faux Intellectual Lib

This can be the most annoying of the liberals. He/she/they can be a professor at a top university or even at a local community college attended by students just out of a halfway house. You can also find them working at low-end jobs, such as at a big box store, where they are frequently seen annoying fellow workers by throwing out stupid facts and opinions and an occasional SAT word in a vain attempt to appear intelligent. Sometimes he will combine the three.

“The fact that President Harding died before being impeached over the Teapot Dome scandal is nettlesome.”

FACT-O-RAMA! The Faux Intellectual lib will make a bid deal when walking past a book store.

This is the kind of lib who has memorized talking points but can’t discuss a topic beyond that. They will end every losing political debate (which is all of them) by saying something along the lines of, “I haven’t seen that in MY research,” despite never having done any research. They also like to say, “I follow the science,” even as they try to convince you that some women have penises.

The Faux Intellectual Lib will end a debate with, “Well at least I’m not a bigot like YOU.”

Angry Spit-Screaming Lib (the Picker-bush of Liberals)

These animals are the most fun to toy with on Facebook because they go from zero to rage faster than Hillary on an election night. They get so angry that they spit as they shriek their insults at you for daring to disagree with their unicorn-level beliefs. These are the dumbest of the libs. They overcompensate for their brain vacancy with sheer anger. Everyone who disagrees with them is a “F***** FASCIST!” Though facts are useless against all libs, the Angry Spit-Screamer uses YOUR facts as Adderall, consuming them to fuel their own brainless fury.

If you tell an Angry Spit-Screamer that Antifa is America’s true fascists, they explode and say. “They CAN’T be fascists, their name Antifa comes from ANTI-FASCIST,” even as Antifa is shutting down an Andy Ngo speech or nine of them are beating the hell out of a 70-year-old man in a MAGA hat.

Victim Lib

I believe it was Rush Limbaugh who said, “Conservatives think; liberals feel.” This is the lib he was talking about.

The Victim Lib is the hardest to talk to. They believe no one on the left is responsible for their actions because they are all victims of “systemic racism,” white privilege,” “generational poverty,” high-fructose corn syrup, you name it. They believe the teenager selling heroin in the parking lot of a Detroit McDonald’s has “no choice,” even though a sign in the window says “Now Hiring: $15 Per Hour.”

The Victim Lib believes that the behavior of minorities has no bearing on their own lives and that they’re “poor victims” waiting for a big, white hero like the Victim Lib to stand up for and save the hapless minority. The Victim Lib feels a tremendous amount of white guilt, which is likely tied to her learning that her great-great-great-grand-daddy voted for Nathan Bedford Forrest as the Klan’s first Grand Wizard.

The Victim Lib will argue that diabetes affects the black community more because black folks have “less access to healthy food and good healthcare” but will freeze when you ask them to name a Whole Foods or a hospital that doesn’t allow black people.

FACT-O-RAMA! One Victim lib actually told me that Southern states “make it hard for minorities to get an ID to vote but will allow white people to use their NRA cards as proper ID.” (I checked; these are all lies.)

Sister-in-law/Virtue Signalling Lib

These are arguably the worst libs of them all, as they are family. The Sister-in-law Lib is a white woman making over $100,000 per year who wears a BLM t-shirt to your bar-b-que (major virtue signal move) and asks one of your guests to turn their “Back the Blue” t-shirt inside-out because it “offends her sensibilities on every level.”

She will be the first one drunk at your bar-b-que and the last one to shut up. She will unleash her lack of wit on all of your friends wearing a Trump hat, saying “I didn’t know this was RACIST bar-b-que!”

After she has cleared your Trump-supporting friends from the shindig, she will ask the remaining revelers why THEY aren’t showing support for BLM. Are they also racist?

Don’t ask her to name her black friends; she doesn’t have any.

Soon your bar-b-que will be you, your spouse, the sister-in-law, and her new, unemployed boyfriend, (she has a new, unemployed boyfriend every time you see her).

There you have it, folks. Keep an eye out for these weeds. They won’t stop until they’ve made your garden a mess. Now you need to avoid them. What helps keep these vermin at bay?

I find a certain hat works like Kryptonite.