Ed Driscoll

They're Not Melancholy Any More

Two men are talking as they drive in car.

Jules: Okay, so tell me again about the porn.

Vincent: Okay, watcha wanna know?

Jules: Porn is supplied for free by the Danish government now right?

Vincent: Yeah, it’s free, but it ain’t 100 percent free. I mean, you can’t just walk into a…videostore, pick up a Ron Jeremy move, and just start bukakking away. I mean, they want only want you to watch it in your home or certain designated places.

Jules: And those are nursing homes.

Vincent: Yeah. It breaks down like this: earlier this year, the Danish government released a report stating that sexuality is an integral part of life for the elderly and the disabled. It recommended that caregivers help elderly residents satisfy their sexual needs. The staff in the nursing home in the Danish capital have been broadcasting pornography on the building’s internal video channel every Saturday night for several years. And if videos and dirty magazines don’t relieve the tension, residents can ask the staff to order a prostitute for them.

Jules: Oh man, I’m going, that’s all there is to it, I’m f***in’ going!

Vincent: I know, baby–you dig it the most! But you know what the funniest thing about Europe is?

Jules: What?

Vincent: It’s the little differences. I mean, they got the same s*** over there that they got here, but it’s just, it’s just theirs is a little different.

Jules: Example?

Vincent: All right. Well you can walk into a movie theater in Odense, and buy a beer. And I don’t mean just like no paper cup, I’m talking about a glass of beer. And in Hedeby, you can buy a beer in McDonald’s. And you know what they call uh…watching porn and getting laid by hookers in a nursing home?

Jules: They don’t call it watching porn and getting laid by hookers in a nursing home?

Vincent: Nah man! They got their own morally relative euphemisms, they wouldn’t use language like that over there.

Jules: Then what do they call it?

Vincent: They call it “caregivers helping elderly residents satisfy their sexual needs”!

Jules: Caregivers helping elderly residents satisfy their sexual needs?

Vincent: That’s right.

Jules: (laughs) What about the hash bars?

Vincent: I don’t know, I didn’t go into Amsterdam.