Screams in the Night
Imagine a Hitchcock thriller: a quiet, foggy evening, filled with the noise of crickets. Then out of the fog comes a blood-curdling scream, causing neighbors to pause during the mid-bite of their meatloaf. Dozens of phones are dialing 911, and people are convinced someone is in mortal peril. I'm not sure what came first, the flashing lights or the wailing sirens; regardless, it was impressively dramatic.
It took a little search with more than a little adrenaline pumping before finding the source: a goat. A goat, who, if asked, identified as a method actor.
A Performance for the Ages
Now, as we know, most goats are content with their ubiquitous "Baa." Not this goat, who evidently auditioned for a part in the movie The Exorcist 2 and never left the character. The sound emitted from its goat-mouth was a cross between a car alarm during a thunderstorm, a dentist drill striking bone, your aunt discovering her cheesecake is gluten-free, and a thirteen-year-old daughter hearing the word "no" after she monologued for five minutes in an attempt to hold a sleepover during a school night.
If ever people talk about Greatest Of All Time in barnyard theatrics, we've found proof of a goat not just bleating...
It was quoting bloody Shakespeare.
The Police Report
If there was an officer who was having a long week and needed a laugh, couldn't you imagine a police report something like this:
Dispatched to reports of screaming woman.
Arrived on scene.
Located suspect.
Female.
Hooved.
Extremely vocal.
Noncompliant.
Continued yelling even after being advised of rights.
Declined to retain counsel.
Chewed cud instead.
Now featuring in police academies everywhere, instructors finally have a valid report, shared using PowerPoint, that perfectly fits under "Other."
Goat Logic, Explained Poorly
In today's society, humans protest by writing strongly worded memos. Goats protest by screaming until the county lines vibrate.
Their methods are simple, direct, and highly effective.
The goat in our story, however, was as subtle as a belch emitted from the mouth of Gary, the guy who always believes the best humor is scatological, but, after downing a glass of warm Point Beer, decides to share his version of Pavarotti's F5, from his performance of Donizetti's opera Credeasi, Misera.
We're not talking coded messages or even nuance; just raw volume. The kind that makes you question your choices, car warranty, and whether the apocalypse somehow involves dirty hay.
The Diner Retelling
You know damn well that at the diner the next morning, the officers on scene did their level best to keep things serious. But you know, anybody would crack under those circumstances: Waterboarding doesn't hold a candle to our goat. The rookie who was there let it all out:
We had a domestic disturbance last night; the suspect had horns, eight stomachs, and we found wanted posters in its shed, because the critter jumped bail, which was paid in alfalfa.
Roselyn, the middle-aged mid-level HR manager at the local paper mill, dropped her coffee cup and decided then and there that she's switching to decaf.
Why It Matters
I know, this story is ridiculous, but that was my point.
I don't know about you, but most of the news these days feels like a kick in the family, ah, porcelain door knobs: politics, protests, Charlie Kirk, and endless, worthless noise.
Then, as if on cue, a Maine goat suddenly bursts into a heart-wrenching scream, and we all recall that life sometimes deals you a tough hand, while other times it serves up an absurd comedy that Mel Brooks would write a movie about.
Our goat reminds us that not every scream is tragedy, and not every headline makes us grimace.
Sometimes, occasionally, it's just livestock trying to headline Coachella.
Final Thoughts
Although this is a story that borders on ridiculous, consider this: neighbors thought a woman needed saving, so they dialed 911. The police answering the call thought they would face grave danger, but they investigated anyway.
Instead of the grave situation people were expecting, they found themselves staring at a goat who clearly believed fate had wronged it, the weather, and the overall dairy industry.
This story is absurd and harmless, and it's the kind of story that should let us laugh, which is no small thing in an America wound tighter than a snare drum for the local school's band.
So, let's toast to the new G.O.A.T.—the Greatest Over-Actor of All Time; may the echoes from its scream reverberate long enough to remind all of us that not everything is a crisis.
Sometimes, some of it is simply comedy with hooves and a singing coach.
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