The millennial murder spree continues apace. In 2016 alone, young people between the ages of 18 and 34 killed at least 19 different trends, products, and even industries. How many will they kill in 2017?!
Sometimes, the Internet performs its rage-inducing job too well. Young people between the ages of 18 and 34 — considered “millennials” — have different spending and lifestyle habits than their parents, and sometimes it takes a little while for the economy to adjust.
But this is no reason not to blame all our trials and tribulations on those horrid, murderous millennials! Indeed, it is a tremendous travesty that they have not all been rounded up and imprisoned.
Here is a list of 19 things millennials were said to have killed. May they rest in peace. (Disclaimer for those to whom it is not painfully obvious: This is a work of parody. While the articles are real, the descriptions of crime and violence are not.)
1. The Toyota Scion.
The murder spree began in February, when bloodthirsty millennials (and their Baby Boomer counterparts) began slashing the tires and breaking the windows of all Toyota Scions. Forbes dutifully recorded the murders, but no millennials have yet been arrested for the crime.
2. The wine cork.
Mere weeks after the death of every last Scion, bloodthirsty young people set their sights on — the wine cork! The Atlantic documented the attempted murder, and how the victim miraculously survived. Nevertheless, it must never be forgotten that “Millennials (Almost) Killed the Wine Cork.”
3. The cereal industry.
In March, young people targeted another innocent victim — the cereal industry. Preferring not to clean up the dishes after breakfast, millennials en masse chose easier foods to eat, instead, leaving cereal alone and nearly suicidal. Fox Nation reported on the ongoing scandal, which seems likely to terminate in the end of an entire industry.
4. The 9-to-5 workday.
Undaunted by their heartless abandonment of the cereal industry, millennials moved on to massacre the ordinary work week. Entrepreneur magazine noted that freelancing is replacing 9-to-5 work, as young people slash their schedules in the name of “flexibility” and “convenience.” What a travesty.
5. The napkin industry.
The March killing spree continued, moving from cereal and schedules to napkins. NO, NOT NAPKINS! But yes, the napkins have been ripped to shreds. As Business Insider reported, “younger consumers are opting instead for paper towels at the dinner table.” Young people, how could you?
6. The McDonald’s McWrap.
In April, those bloodthirsty millennials turned from cereal and napkins to McDonald’s more “healthy” option, the McWrap — may it rest in peace. Eater.com made sure to alert the public, but no arrest warrants have been issued.
7. The movie business.
Chairs ripped up and strewn everywhere, screens ripped in half, speakers hanging from the ceiling — this was the late April crime scene in American movie theaters. As The New York Post reported, millennials were seen fleeing the scene shortly after the murder. Among moviegoers between 18 and 24 years old, attendance fell by more than one-third — from 8.7 million in 2012 to 5.7 million in 2015.
In early May, the “running boom” tripped and fell on its face. Who placed the stumbling block? You guessed it. According to The Wall Street Journal, young adults left the running industry broken hearted, battered and beaten after a brief love affair.
9. The Canadian tourism industry.
According to Destination Canada, an agency responsible for marketing Canadian tourism, an autopsy revealed that travel up north was strangled and left for dead in May. All signs point to young people.
It was a harrowing sight. Money floating everywhere, credit cards broken in half, servers cracked and fizzling, small flames licking cords everywhere. Crowdfunding died in May, long live crowdfunding. How did millennials kill it? By asking for money for everything, not just causes but plastic surgery, weddings, and even beer. Monstrous.
11. The suit.
What kind of monster would set professional business suits aflame? Oh yes, the millennial. It dresses in t-shirts and jeans, in dress shirts without a tie, and even — heaven help us — in ugly Christmas sweaters! In May, THE suit was found dead, and only a millennial could possibly be to blame.
‘Twas the night before Christmas (or maybe mid-June), and all throughout Macy’s department store, not a creature was shopping. No, seriously, according to this Business Insider report, retailers have been murdered, and the millennial is to blame. That horrid shopper who … refuses to shop, has ravaged the business, and made it a flop.
13. The golf industry.
Never mind Tiger Woods — golfing is actually dead. You may not yet realize it, but the PGA Tour, the World Golf Foundation, and even Trump’s worldwide golf courses have burnt up in an inferno this past July. A smoking trail of lighter fluid led back to the monstrous lair, and millennials were found with a match. Case closed.
When Republican Donald Trump won the presidency in November, millennials wisely accepted the will of the people and decided to give him a chance. Oh, sorry, no. You see, in July, they had already murdered democracy itself, leaving Lady Liberty lying on the ground with a bloody knife in her heart. Once you remember this horrendous death, the whining and crying of social justice warriors just makes so much more sense.
15. The European Union.
In June, Britain voted to leave the European Union. But the EU still barely survived the ordeal. It was only in July that police discovered the poison in the EU’s veins. Only the horrid young “millennial” generation could have brewed such a cocktail, which finally ended the EU’s brief life on July 10, according to the National Interest.
16. Call center productivity.
Phones broken in half, cables strewn across the floor, call sheets burnt to a crisp — this was the scene on August 16, when it was discovered that call center productivity was killed in cold blood. Reportedly, millennials smashed call center equipment to smithereens with their “smart” phones and “tablets.” The power of distraction took another victim.
17. The bar of soap.
The wonderful historic first bar of soap, 125 years old and fashioned by the company Ivory, was found broken in half, with its glass protection shattered, in August, CBS News reported. Luckily, police found the perpetrator’s blood on the glass, and after rigorous testing, it was determined that the criminal was between the ages of 18 and 24. In a surprising twist, the blood was a match for every single member of the millennial generation. How convenient.
18. The vacation.
It had been months since Joe Blow had taken time off from work. The idea of leaving the office did not even enter his mind. “It’s almost as though vacation — the vacation itself — has been killed,” he told reporters in August. It was then that inc.com’s Jessica Stillman realized vacation wasn’t just dead, it was murdered by the millennial generation. Millennials, using the alias “Work Martyr,” had utterly pulverized the vacation. The murder weapon, rumored to be a futuristic ray gun, is yet to be found.
19. The dinner date.
It was a lovely candlelit dinner — glasses of champaign adorned plates covered with escargot and filet mignon. Romantic music played in the background, and an impeccably dressed waiter stood by, ready to serve a couple, hand and foot. And yet, no couple came. Instead, vicious 18 to 34 year olds entered the restaurant, at the helm of a Panzer VIII Maus, the heaviest tank ever made.
Crashing through glass, food, wine, and table settings, the tank demolished the dinner date, as reported by The New York Post in late December. To date, it is the latest and most heinous murder by the bloodthirsty millennials.
In the face of utterly defective justice systems the world over, industries, products, and social trends wait anxiously, unprotected from the ravages of the millennial generation. What will they kill next?