National Taste Test Results: Rich People Most Delicious When Cooked in Texas Style BBQ

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The results revealed today of a national taste test concluded last month come as no surprise to anyone — rich folks taste best cooked in Texas style barbeque because … doesn’t everything?

The taste test challenged top chefs around the country to submit their entry for eating the rich. How exactly should one eat the rich is the current debate, since it has already become an established truth that the rich should be eaten. A prominent, and rich, filmmaker warned prophetically earlier this year,

The smart rich know they can only build the gate so high. And, and, sooner or later history proves that people when they’ve had enough aren’t going to take it anymore.

Well, that time has finally come. That smart, rich filmmaker was the first to be eaten.

Fat, rich filmmakers are yummy!

People are fed up. With just what, we’re not quite sure, but probably their crappy lives. No one has yet definitively shown why the rich should be eaten, or how that’s helping people more than, say, eating cow. Some believe that if they eat the heart of a rich man they will receive the power and wealth of that rich man, but that has not yet been proven. Others say it is because hippies taste a little gamey. Notwithstanding this lack of consensus, the people are ready to eat the rich. All that remains to decide is how to prepare them. That is the question this taste test, and the country’s most talented non-rich chefs, set out to answer.

Shawanatisha James, after her welfare benefits were cut, fed her brood of 10 for a week on the meat from one Millionaire.

Entries were submitted in the spring and a panel of judges narrowed it down to the top 10 contenders, which were then featured at State Fairs around the country over the summer. Some of the favorites were: Millionaire Mussaka by famed chef Balthazar Democratoulos, Rich Bouillabaisse by Jean D’MonSocialistee, Moore’s Meatloaf by Will Fare, and of course the winner, Rich Belly Barbeque, by Houston Rib Shack chef Ike Wansamore.

Traditionally there are four kinds of Texas styles of barbeque, and Ike’s Rich Belly Barbeque reportedly follows the East Texas tradition of spicing along with slowly cooking the meat to the point that it is “falling off the bone.” Additionally, as its name implies, belly parts were used for their high fat and flavor content to add a richness (no pun intended) that was reportedly very appealing.

Slow cooked, fall off the bone, greasy, billionaire goodness.

A judge from the taste test, Jenny Logan, said she was not surprised:

Americans love their barbeque. The other dishes, while tasty, were either a little too sophisticated for the general American palate or, while good, were not the dripping, greasy, deliciousness that was Ike’s entry. All of us judges knew he had a pretty good chance of winning this contest from the first time we tasted it.

Award-winning chef D’MonSocialistee, in the only display of animosity toward the winner, remarked,

You Americans are so stupid. In France we know how to eat the rich. We have been doing it for centuries. We do it with finesse and panache! We have been doing it for a lot longer than you silly Americans, and yet you think your, how do you say, bar-b-cue, is the best way. Ridiculous!

"I can't wait to eat this pile of Texas Style Millionaire"

Chef Ike probably explained his win best when he said,

The beauty of my winning entry is that it provides an easy way for people all across America to eat the rich in their own home. Nothin’ fancy, just good ol’ down home barbeque. I think that’s why my entry won.

After the rich are eaten some critics wonder what will the people eat? “Without the rich, who will produce any of the food?” asks philosopher Geoff Wilkenson. “I am concerned that there will eventually be mass starvation resulting in poor people eating poor people, which would be a moral disaster.” And so it would. Thankfully the government is taking these concerns seriously. Washington has ordered that one of every 10 rich be spared and moved into the new CEO gulags where they will be forced to brilliantly execute government plans for food growth and distribution.


Disclaimer: This is satire. All interviews, speculations, quotes, and exclamations were obtained in the 4th dimension, in the world of what might have been. It is not to be regarded as a reflection of what any actual, 1st dimension, i.e., reality right now, people or persons said in real life, for real. In other words, it’s all fake.

But this isn’t satire: “Occupy LA Speaker: Violence Will Be Necessary to Achieve Our Goals”

Sunny is a political satirist whose videos have been getting a lot of attention in the blogosphere. Find out more about Sunny by checking out her blog, House of Sunny. Or watch her latest video: