Culture

People I've Never Heard of (and Megan Fox) Get Raunchy at the VMAs

Photo by Evan Agostini/Invision/AP

Since my name twin is trending on Twitter, it’s obviously a topic I have to write about. First of all, a public service announcement: I am NOT Megan Fox the actress, so I do not want weird DMs in my inbox every time she trends looking for nude pix. Please, stop. And get a new hobby, weirdo.

Last night a bunch of people I’ve never heard of had an awards show where they patted themselves on the backs and gave each other awards that don’t really mean anything. For some reason, people watch this. I don’t, but then I wake up and get on Twitter to see what’s happening today and all I see is this ridiculous crap.

Frankly, that dude was actually better dressed than most of the women there, who were all trying to out-whore each other. What in the ever-loving nuttery is this, Megan Fox?

Aren’t you bored yet? It’s the same thing on repeat every single year. How naked can we get without being naked? Just go naked and get it over with already. Where are the feminists, by the way, who should look at this and notice that the men at the VMAs are all wearing clothes, while the women are almost nude? Isn’t this dressing for the male gaze? What message does this send to our daughters? Where the hell are the feminists who want to see this stopped? Where are the Megan Rapinoes when you need them? Color me confused. Victoria’s Secret cancels the runway show and hires a bunch of butch girls to be the faces of their stores,  but the gals in Hollywood are still living in the year 2015, I guess.

I’m not suggesting that VS is right to do that, by the way. In fact, I think it was a pretty poor business decision. But the whiplash I get from this culture is harrowing. On the one hand, VS is “sexualizing” women by putting them on a runway in underwear (the major product they sell) and the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition has to put fat people and women in burkinis in the magazine to avoid the shrieking cries of sexism, but on the other hand, celebrities showing us their butt cracks on red carpets are totally fierce and powerful! Okay. Hand me the Ibuprofen. 

And what about this stupid display, which was trending on Twitter as the greatest performance to date. I don’t even know who this person is and I don’t care, but it looks like every single female “artist” the VMAs has invited to do a performance for the last 15 or so years. What’s great about this? Every moron in the club can do this.

When will this culture celebrate actual talent and beauty? Instead, we get nothing but raunch and ugliness. We can probably blame Madonna—who is still wandering around the red carpet in way less fabric than anyone would like to see on her—for this. Is she 70 now? I keep wondering when she’s going to put on her clothes. I do like the veil, though. Anyone who has had as much plastic surgery as she has should invest in one of those.

This one was at least visually fun to look at. She reminds me of Carmen Miranda. And when I say “visually fun,” I mean I didn’t feel like I needed a shower and antibiotics after watching it.

Oh, wait. Nevermind.

And if this were any other woman, her performance would never have made it to the stage. It’s wooden and stiff. I’m sure I’m not allowed to say that and there will be REEEEEEEing, but it is what it is. I can see Petras counting. And once again, the men are better dressed than the women. That costume is fun. It reminds me of a ’60s musical starring Marilyn Monroe, which is a far cry better than the bare butt cheeks hanging out—something the VMAs seem to think everyone wants to see. It’s weird when men have better taste in women’s clothes than women.

I’ve been reporting on these things for what seems like forever and yet the pendulum never seems to swing back to a time when beautiful gowns were preferred. I keep thinking: This is a low as they can get, surely next year will be better. But it never happens

If you need some eye bleach, here are the 1984 VMA highlights back when people wore clothes and everything was more fun. (Well, except Madonna. She’s always been a half-naked mess.)