Black Halloween Revelers Don Whiteface and MAGA Hats

You may have heard the kerfuffle that comes up every year over problematic Halloween costumes because lunatics abound. You know the drill: Indian princesses and Mexican sombreros are “racist” and a form of “cultural appropriation.” White people are scolded constantly for allowing our children to role-play on Halloween and are instead supposed to dictate to them what they can and cannot wear in case it might offend some pink-haired perma-oppressed harpy. But it only goes one way. If you’re white in America, there’s all kinds of stuff you can’t do without causing an international incident that could get you fired and shunned. Everyone knows you can’t wear blackface (even if you’re dressing up like a military man in full camouflage — greasepaint is not okay). But the rules are even more convoluted than that. Take this gem from The Caucasian’s Guide to Halloween, written by a super thoughtful black person just to help us out.

By the way, have white people run out of white people to emulate? Have costume shops run out of sexy nurse outfits? Why can’t people of no color be satisfied dressing up as one of the 12,028,034 other things that white people have the privilege of being every day? Be one of the other paleface princesses who get to wear a crown like a trophy for colonizing brown people. The only way to mimic a culture without appropriating it is by experiencing the bad things they went through.

So, if your daughter thinks a Native American princess’ feathers and buckskin skirt are cute, she can wear it with one caveat: White men must come to your house in the middle of the night, steal all your food, murder everyone she knows, declare your house is now theirs and force your daughter to relocate to a Halloween reservation especially set aside for all the little white girls who want to dress up as pretty little Disney Indian.

I wonder if it would be okay if Indians raided her house, cooked her over an open fire and ate her? (‘Cause that happened to a lot of Indians too. Google the Iroquois for more on that.)

If we are staying in our lane, as this helpful guide for Caucasians suggests, maybe the author should have a talk with these guys.

But that’s not going to happen because everyone knows you can offend white people all day long and say and do racist things against white people with absolutely zero accountability or pushback. If we were like the rabid race baiters on the left, we would be out in force screaming, “#MAGA is not a costume, it’s my identity. This is NOT okay.” But we’re not, because we’re normal.

I actually find these costumes hilarious. Painting faces any color is fine on Halloween. Let’s make this Halloween great again by refusing to cower in front of these obsessive race-rabbling jerks. Now, where did I put my face paints?