I know what you’re thinking. Who is David Hookstead? Well, ladies, he is a shining example of masculinity who works for The Daily Caller — and our extra pounds and baby bellies are making him ill. Clearly, we care deeply about that. Hookstead is obviously the pinnacle of male perfection, with his little soft paunch belly that all females crave rounding out from under his jacket, and that unsculpted upper body that so many of us want to feel creeping over our shoulder. I mean, look at him! Swoon.
And so, hottie Hookstead has graciously written an article called “Everybody Needs to Stop the ‘Plus-Sized Models are Awesome’ Garbage” to let us know the standards he will accept for us females.
There is a national tragedy sweeping across America, and it promptly needs to come to an end.
For some inexplicable reason, American entertainment outlets think male consumers are entertained by “plus-sized” models. They’re not. Trust me when I say that there’s a reason men read the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit magazine, and it has nothing to do with the seemingly unending supply of bigger models….If I can look out the windows of my office building and see six people similar to a woman featured in Sports Illustrated, then put simply, that woman has no business being in Sports Illustrated.
— Sports Illustrated Swimsuit (@SI_Swimsuit) July 27, 2017
Ladies, this is a national tragedy. David Hookstead doesn’t want to see normal women on his way to lunch or anywhere else (especially in his masturbatory material that women never ever look at). As for turning the pages of Sports Illustrated and finding these beasts, it’s far too difficult to just keep turning the pages until he finds someone slimmer to fit his tastes. Obviously, anyone over a size four should just be banned from modeling altogether because David Hookstead will suffer erectile dysfunction should he gaze upon too much flesh. Gosh darnit, ladies, you’re making him sick! Luckily, many Middle Eastern countries have solved this issue and it is past time we followed their example. If you are above a size four, have hips bigger than your shoulders, have stretch marks from childbirth, and are overweight (at all), then you are obese, fatty, and should buy one of these.
This will save David Hookstead and other males who have high standards when it comes to what type of female form they put in front of their eyes for the sole purpose of being aroused. A full burqa will save these men the horror of having to even make eye contact with you if you do not look like a male to female tranny with fake boobs, muscular arms, washboard abs and the hips of a 12-year-old boy (or every model since 1990). It’s also a great way to hide those cankles and anything else on your body that is unseemly or wobbly or unattractive to David Hookstead. We wouldn’t want him to lose his lunch, would we?
While you’re purchasing your “every day” burka, make sure you don’t forget your burkini for the beach! God forbid you should encounter David Hookstead while trying to get some sun with all your disgusting fat hanging out shamelessly. It’s just too bad if you can’t get a tan like other people. Just do that in private in a tanning booth (if you can fit) because David Hookstead can’t be exposed to your expanse of offensive flesh since it just doesn’t turn him on.
What about your husbands who love you and like snuggling up to your soft curves? Or the men who like larger women? Well, sorry, but David Hookstead has spoken. You are unattractive. So your husbands are wrong. Every man you ever dated who was turned on by you is wrong and, frankly, you’re just a pig. So get on under that burqa, even if your husband objects because, well…David Hookstead has spoken. You are hurting his dark brown manly eyes, fatties.
Don’t even think about seeing women in magazines modeling clothes in your size. That’s horrific. It has no place in a society that caters solely to men who have unrealistic sexual fantasies of what women are supposed to look like (young boys with fake breasts, no hips, and arms with more muscles than David Hookstead). For God’s sake, sows! Have a sense of decency! David Hookstead does not want to sleep with you so do him the common courtesy of erasing yourselves from the planet! It’s the least you can do for our beloved and deeply revered David Hookstead.
(Note: Obviously, all these suggestions are subject to the input of demi-god David Hookstead, who can at any time change the parameters or rules because he’s just so deliciously perfect and masculine in every way.)
But seriously, ladies, I think we can help David Hookstead with a little “exposure therapy.” That’s why I’m tweeting him a shot of this 40-year-old mother of three enjoying her life in a bikini (that I bought from a company that employs Ashley Graham) even though David Hookstead isn’t turned on — and I encourage you to do the same @dhookstead. Hopefully we don’t burn his retinas too badly.