Disney’s Newest Ride Is Going to Be Just What You Expected

I figured it has been a while since anyone has griped about Disney, so we were due. When I was a kid, we went to Disney World a few times. It meant saving every penny throughout the year, repairing busted furniture, eating leftovers for weeks on end, and limping old cars along. But we did get to go. And yes, it was fun. I was a fan of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and, in particular, Pirates of the Caribbean, mainly because the premises were interesting and the rides themselves were exciting and fun.

Of course, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea was deemed to be a money pit, and Pirates received a makeover to make it less misogynistic and to insert characters from the film franchise. I grew out of Disney decades before Splash Mountain was created and stopped watching their films long before The Princess and the Frog hit the screens. So to be honest, I didn’t think much of the plan to revamp Splash Mountain as Tiana’s Bayou Adventure. After all, black people go to Disney parks just like everyone else, and there is nothing wrong with having a ride that features black characters.

And, for that matter, Song of the South may be considered a classic by some, but times have changed and I get that the stereotypes are offensive to some people. Especially people who Bob Iger wants to throw their money away at a theme park. So the death of Splash Mountain did not ruin any of my childhood memories, and parks switch up their attractions all the time. And, it’s a theme park ride, for crying out loud.

But when I read a piece from Breitbart about the concept artwork for the ride, I wasn’t offended, angry, or even miffed. Actually, I was amused. Mainly because the concept of the ride is ridiculous. From Breitbart:

Set a year after the events of the movie, visitors will be told Princess Tiana has created an employee-owned Food cooperative called Tiana’s Foods that is built on a salt dome. As patrons of the ride enter the attraction, they will be told that the princess is missing a key ingredient for her Carnival celebration and they will be sent on a quest to find it during the ride.

Find a missing ingredient. For an employee-owned food co-op. Really? That’s the best you can do, Disney? In 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, you sailed beneath the waves among sharks, icebergs, and undersea volcanoes and escaped from a giant squid. In Pirates of the Caribbean, visitors make their way through the skeletal remains of pirates, get caught in the middle of a cannon battle, and try to get out of the port town before it is engulfed in flames and blown sky-high. In the Haunted Mansion, you have to escape from, well, a haunted mansion. I mean c’mon, it’s right there in the name.

But in an effort to make sure that Disney’s newest offering was politically correct right down to the last jot and tittle, guests will essentially embark on a trip to resupply a food co-op. That’s what the Imagineers have come up with. People whose jobs have “imagine” in the title came up with a food co-op. There was no “fun quotient” in the movie that could have been used on the ride? I’m sure that there will be plenty of cute characters singing beloved songs, and there will be a drop where everyone will raise their hands and go “Oooh!” “Ahh!” and “Whee!” And a gift shop at the end just in case you still have a little bit left on your credit card.

But Disney couldn’t just make a fun ride based on a movie that features black people. It had to find a way to make sure everyone knows just how sensitive the company is, by sticking in an employee-owned food co-op. I thought Sesame Street had already cornered the market on sensitivity. You just couldn’t leave it alone, could you, Disney? Will the people you are trying to attract be more inclined to stand in line for four hours because there’s a socially relevant element to it?

It’s a pretty sure bet that there are black and brown people who just want to go somewhere and have fun without getting a PC nudge at every turn. I know it’s a relatively small thing in a big world if you will excuse the pun, but it shows how preoccupied the company is with showing how “thoughtful” it is. So, to sum up, if you aren’t already skipping Disney because it is woke and overpriced, you can skip it because it is getting lamer by the minute. It’s a Thunberg world, after all.