These Last 2 Healthy Eating Horror Stories Are the Most Shocking Satires Of All...


From “The Good Hood Fairy” by Jack July: “For the rest of the night till early in the morning, they baked pan after pan of biscuits, until the final pan was fluffy and mouth watering. LaQuisha was proud. Then the Fairy said, “Oh, honey, we ain’t done yet.”
Once again the wand was waved and the chant spoken. Sausage appeared, along with a cast iron pan. “Baby, it’s time to make some sausage gravy.”

Recently it came to our attention that the U.S. Department of Agriculture has been dabbling in literature. In a clear sign that its 100,000 employees have far too little to do, the sprawling federal agency has issued a nauseating children’s book called “The Two Bite Club,” in which a mother cat and her adorable kittens Will and Anna learn to make federally-approved healthy food choices. According to the USDA website: “Parents or caregivers read the book to children and encourage them to try foods from each food group by eating just two bites, just like the characters in the story.”

The PDF is available here: try not to gag on your broccoli.

Naturally we viewed this as a sinister intrusion of federal power into the sphere of family life and a gross infringement on our freedom to eat Pop Tarts for breakfast and snack on salt and vinegar-flavored potato chips while catching up on Game of Thrones. American patriots bled and died to ensure these sacred freedoms. So we resisted in the only way available to us: we asked our community of writers to sharpen their pens and write their own brief satirical stories. Take that, USDA!

The hilarious results began with with a trio of takeoffs on the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears Monday3 Nanny State-Approved Bedtime Stories For Your Little Community Organizers Tuesday, and 3 more satires led by The Emperor’s New Accomplishments by Frank J. Fleming on Wednesday.


Once upon a time there was a girl named LaQuisha who lived in the ghetto outside of Philadelphia. She was watching TV and smiling while imagining her life as a character in an episode of the Cosby show. Her little brother was in bed and her Momma wouldn’t be home from the factory till morning. As she reached for her glass of green Kool-Aid, shots rang out from somewhere outside. She dove to the floor like her Momma taught her spilling her Kool-Aid.

2. Abuela’s Healthy Porridge by George Tobin

Ernesto and Herve laughed and held hands on the way to the house ofthe kind old woman they called “Abuela” or “Granny.” Today the growing darkness from the North seemed far away. Today was made for celebrating with whole grains and organic fruits. Today they had no concerns but to enjoy being young, Sandinista and gay.


image via shutterstock / RoJo Images