Showbiz Assassin: the Sheen Convergence, Andy Dick Gets 'Stern,' and More

Dooley Productions /

1. KATY PERRY’s roots are showing.

Her “preacher’s kid” roots, that is.

This week, the long-time-ago gospel singer (and daughter of two Protestant pastors) took a break from her vocation as a human cartoon and tried to get serious – with explosive results.

Following the most recent terrorist attack on Israel, Perry tweeted, “My prayers are for you guys tonight, SHALOM!!! #prayforisrael.”

In minutes, supporters of Oz Narnia Palestine were tweeting less than peaceful responses like, “GO to Hell with ISRAEL B**ch” and “I hope your private jet crash lands into Palestine so they can stamp on you like the whore you are.”

Perry back-peddled a bit, pleading neutrality – which then led hundreds of pro-Israel commenters to condemn her as a coward.

At this juncture, it’s helpful to recall that the fellow who once poignantly asked, “Why can’t we all just get along?” is an alcoholic career criminal who ran over his wife with a car.

2. Coming soon: Paradise Lost 4 – The Lawsuit?

The trio of convicted child killers known as the “West Memphis 3” were recently released as part of a frankly confusing plea deal. The not-so-young-any-more accused murderers maintained their innocence for almost two decades, and attracted plenty of celebrity supporters.

One of them was Lord of the Rings director PETER JACKSON who, we’re learning now, “helped bankroll the investigation for the trio’s defense over the last seven years.”

And here you thought you were simply buying a ticket to an overly long and confusing saga about fairies and elves. Turns out you were picking up somebody’s legal tab, too!

Hollywood types have a lousy track record when deciding which accused criminals to robustly support (ROMAN POLANSKI) and which to abandon to a miserable, undeserved fate (FATTY ARBUCKLE).

It’s not surprising that denizens of America’s most sin-riddled area code aren’t much good at detecting innocence: after all, they don’t catch a glimpse of it very often.

I’ve got two words for Peter Jackson:


Just sayin’.

 3. See, if DAVID LETTERMAN was Jewish, he’d actually be funny

The smug late night TV host reacted with amusement after learning he’d been threatened on a jihadist website. Specifically, a member of the Religion of Peace pleaded for someone to step up and “cut the tongue of this lowly Jew and shut it forever.”

(Tell me about it. But come on, you silly Muslims: Jews may very well run The Media®, but only midwestern gentiles get to sit behind those late show desks. It’s in the Constitution, I think. Or at least the Federalist Papers.)

Letterman’s on-air response was uncharacteristically witty. Thanking his studio audience for acting as his “human shield,” Letterman quipped:

“And so now, State Department authorities are looking into this. They’re not taking this lightly. They’re looking into it. They’re questioning, they’re interrogating, there’s an electronic trail – but everybody knows it’s [JAY] LENO.”

Maybe Letterman should get threatened more often.

At least now he knows how it feels to be unfairly attacked.

4. On a related note: actor ANDY DICK called HOWARD “King of All Media” STERN a “shallow, money-grubbing Jew” on GREG FITZSIMMONS’ latest podcast.

As the invaluable stand-up comedy site Shecky sighed:

“Dick cited as the reason for the tirade… oh, why bother?”

Indeed. Chronic substance abuser and public urinator Dick never needs an excuse to go off. (Wouldn’t The Man Who Groped Chi Chi La Rue make a heck of a movie title, by the way?)

Stern responded on the air with understandable bitterness:

“There isn’t a moment in my life I don’t know that that’s what’s in people’s heads…When it comes down to it that’s where they go. Believe me, I grew up with it. I grew up with it. I’ve been in fights over it. I’ve had to battle my life through it. It always comes down to ‘the Jew.’”

Interestingly, the Anti-Defamation League hasn’t condemned Dick’s anti-Semitic tirade. Perhaps, unlike their former targets like RUSH LIMBAUGH and MEL GIBSON, they think Dick is too far down on the D-list to matter.

5. Let’s see… “Fatheads”? “Askew-nauts”?

Insane Clown Posse have their Juggalos. The Grateful Dead have their Deadheads. VINCE MANCINI at FilmDrunk figured all those rabid fans of filmmaker KEVIN SMITH needed a nickname, too.

His readers were happy to help out, submitting suggestions like “the Man Boob Mafia.”

But the clear winner for my money?


Anyhow, Smith’s latest film, Red State, is about crazy murderous redneck Christian fundamentalists yawn sooooo sleeeepyyyy zzzzz…

Because mocking the Westboro “Baptist” “Church” is SO edgy and courageous. When Smith makes a similar film about Muslim terrorists, I’ll care. Or at least, I’ll try to, because around the same time that happens, I’ll be pretty busy posing for the cover of Vogue

Meanwhile, let’s treasure the unedifying spectacle of Kevin Smith fans – who pay big bucks to hear him speak, chart his every fart, and spring into action like flying monkeys at the drop of a tweet – publicly mocking other people for… belonging to a cult.

Smith's newest films brings to mind a memorable character from one of his earlier efforts.

6. Talk about yer tattoo removal…

First she gets dumped by alleged Hitler fan, serial cheater and occasional motorcycle customizer JESSE JAMES.

Now TLC has cancelled KAT VON D’s series LA Ink.

I think I speak for women everywhere when I say: “Har har! Good riddance, b****!”

Don’t panic, though. TLC will be bringing her and other tramp-stamped trollops back to television sometime around 2061. On that game show, contestants have to guess what these old ladies’ tattoos were supposed to be before they got saggy and wrinkled. The winner gets a free course of laser treatments.

7. They burn warlocks, don’t they?

Legend has it that, on the night TV’s Fugitive finally captured the elusive one-armed man,  so many viewers were glued to their sets that the crime rate across America dropped dramatically.

So you’ll want to mark September 19 on your calendar. That’s when I predict we’ll witness a similar phenomenon, except different. An unharmonic convergence, as it were.

Because that night, Comedy Central airs the CHARLIE SHEEN “roast” – and Two and a Half Men returns with a “very special episode” about the death of Sheen’s alter ego.

Can the cosmos bear so much much-ness without imploding?

Joe Seer /

With LISA LAMPANELLI too busy, alas, to preside, “roastmaster” duties fall to Family Guy creator SETH MACFARLANE, who’s getting a head start on his material, telling reporters:

“Charlie is a true icon with a talent that is strong and pure and concentrated into small crystals which can be smoked or eaten.”

Roast mainstay JEFF ROSS insists that the notoriously vicious event will do Sheen some good, comparing it to “an intervention.”

As DR. DREW’s success rate rapidly approaches Mengele velocity, who knows? Ross may well be onto something.