Who Would Win a Fight Between Justin Bieber and Tom Cruise? Bieber Is Hoping to Find Out

Someone should do a wellness-check on Justin Bieber. I’m afraid that he’s suicidal. I mean, how else to explain the fact that the Biebs challenged Tom Cruise to a fight?

I’ve met Tom Cruise and the man is not as small as people like to make him out to be. That being said, even if Cruise were half his current size, I have zero doubt that he would dispatch Justin Bieber with no less ease than it took him to climb the tallest building in the world or to catch an actual plane and hang on to its side while it took off!

If you’re unfamiliar with Tom Cruise’s commitment to his craft, including doing his own insane stunts, Esquire has ranked “The Most Insane Mission Impossible Stunts.” While recalling climbing the world’s tallest building, which Esquire ranks as #1, Cruise said:

“Some of the crew couldn’t even go on the floor [of a room where the window had been taken out] just because of the height issue, it was too much for them. When I’m swinging from the building, I have crosswinds, and, when you see the shot, you’ll see that I’m actually flying. I had to figure out how to do that, I’m on a single rope at that point and when I leave the building and catch that wind, I am actually flying and trying to figure out how to move my feet like a rudder to move across the whole arc of the building.”

So, that’s Tom Cruise. Or, rather, a little taste of the physical abilities and commitment that Tom Cruise would bring into the Octagon. Not to mention his high pain tolerance. During an appearance on the Graham Norton show, Norton did a play-by-play of the video footage of Cruise breaking his ankle during a stunt. Watch the video. *Spoiler alert*:  after breaking his ankle, Cruise continues the scene. But, yeah, Justin Bieber has somehow convinced himself that stepping into a ring with this man will end well for him.

Speaking of Bieber, let’s look at what he would bring to this fight that’s never going to happen. Altering the colloquialism a bit, I can’t help but think of the saying, “Don’t bring a bag of marshmallows to a gunfight.”

Addled by drug use. Weighed down by the existential crises that exist in the Bieb’s heart and soul due to his decade+ of very youthful commitment to decadence and debauchery, Justin Bieber would step into that octagon with the same level of naïve hubris around which the ancient Greek playwrights crafted tragedies. Bieber wouldn’t stand a chance against the legend that is Tom Cruise. In fact, I’m pretty sure that my 13-year-old daughter would leave Bieber sobbing in the fetal position if she were to be given the opportunity to fight him.

Again, unless Justin Bieber’s agents recently informed him that his career is officially dead and he needs to do something crazy and stupid to ensure at least a spot on a  C-list celebrity reality shows, the only possible explanations for challenging Cruise to a fight are that Bieber suffers from CTE, has dementia, or is suicidal. The best part of all this, though, is summed up in my favorite tweet about Bieber’s challenge. I’ll leave you with that gem of a tweet: