Culture

Would You Want a Husband This Incompetent at Turning You On?

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There are plenty of Biblically-based books on the market for men serious about inspiring their wives to want to have more (and better!) sex.

Yesterday, Dr. Helen blogged about a viral story of a husband who compiled a spreadsheet of every time his wife turned down his requests for sex (24/27 over 7 weeks) and who responded by posting it on the internet: “Would You Want a Wife This Clueless About Sex and Your Emotions?“:

And she seriously wonders why the guy is mad? She has sex three times in seven weeks and he has probably been angry and boiling for some time before that. Why is she posting their problems on Reddit? She mentions his immature behavior; is hers any better? She says he wouldn’t talk to her about the chart etc., so maybe during this quiet time, she should stop and think about her behavior.

But more importantly, the husband should reflect on his marriage and ask himself a few questions. So far, there are no kids. If she lets her job interfere with her sex life, what about the kids? Will he have an eighteen year chart of excuses and pain? If kids are involved and he wants to get out of the marriage then, he is going to have a much harder time. Perhaps he simply needs some quiet time to reflect on what to do, whether this is going to work in the long run and why his wife would turn to strangers on the internet and post his chart on a Reddit site instead of sitting back and giving him some breathing room. This does not reflect well on how things will go for him in the future if they stay married.

What do you think?

I’m actually going to take the wife’s side in this dispute. I have absolutely ZERO SYMPATHY WHATSOEVER for this loser. Why?

Because it’s not a wife’s responsibility to be her husband’s happy whore, eagerly providing him with his orgasms on demand.

Dissatisfied husbands, want to know the secret to having sex with your wife whenever you want? It is not your wife’s responsibility to be ready to go on command, it’s YOUR responsibility to know your wife so well that you are capable of seducing her anytime. When you want to have sex with her you don’t ask her, you put her in the mood yourself. It’s really that simple: know you wife well enough so you can push the right buttons, say the right things, and create an environment where sex just naturally happens.

Unfortunately, that’s more work than most men are used to for getting orgasms. Twenty or thirty minutes of close attention, massage, and foreplay first? Taking the effort to really get to know your wife’s unique preferences and turn-ons? Learning how to read her moods? That’s effort — and energy.

The problem is that in today’s day that’s not as easy as what it takes to get the virtual prostitute “turned on,” as Walter Hudson wrote about it last week in explaining “10 Barriers to Healthy Relationships Explored in Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Don Jon“:

The problem is, Jon’s not sure he wants something real. In his experience, real proves disappointing. Don Jon opens with vivid narration of why he loves porn so much. It gives without demand, responding to his desire without hesitation or need of reciprocation.

“I lose myself,” he tells us. It’s an experience that he can’t seem to replicate with a real woman, not even the perfect-10 Barbara once she finally offers herself. He returns to porn as a supplement, which causes problems in the relationship.

The ultimate barrier to a healthy relationship explored in Don Jon is the disconnected nature of modern culture. Jon remains disconnected from women, even his highly sought-after Barbara, and therefore cannot experience a relational satisfaction on par with the fantasy provided by porn. Barbara, as it turns out, is just as bad in her own right.

It’s only through the cultivation of another wholly unexpected relationship that Jon learns how to connect with another human being on a truly intimate level. Once he does, he “loses himself” in that other person and achieves an experience far more satisfying than pornography could ever provide.

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I’ll just lay it out simply: I think the Orthodox Jewish understanding of sex’s role in marriage and how it can be utilized to transform people and unify a family is the best, most sane that I’ve ever encountered. (It’s also what’s included in Jewish mysticism, and something understood by many occult philosophies.) Rabbi Shmuley Boteach’s books are popularizers of some of the basic ideas. There are many different pieces of it that all work together, but there’s one basic one that distinguishes the Judeo-Christian tradition from the default Paganism into which we’re all born. In a nutshell: learning sexual control = learning self-control. The ability to control one’s sexual urges and channel them into something else means one learns how to control all urges and thus reshape one’s life and personality in any direction. A big piece of it is learning how to make sex less centric around orgasms and more about achieving unity and transcendence with the other person. From page 52 of The Kosher Sutra:

The orgasm is an idol that just about everyone is biologically-compelled to worship for the sake of our species’ continued propagation. In changing one’s attitude toward sex from giving-taking-getting to transcending-together one is making a much, much bigger leap than one realizes at first. If this aspect of one’s personality and life can be shifted and changed, if new habits, rituals, practices can be instilled together when acting as a team with one’s spouse, then what other aspects of our lives cannot also be dramatically transformed if we set our minds on it together?

Updated: Dr. Helen responds and I reply again.