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Dr. Helen

Would You Want a Wife This Clueless About Sex and Your Emotions?

July 20th, 2014 - 6:07 am

I read this article titled “Man Uses Spreadsheet to List All the Times Wife Turned Down Sex; Wife Posts it on Reddit” over at mediaite.com. Is it true? I don’t know, but it is a good example of how many women (and men too, given some of the comments) don’t think men have any feelings when it comes to what they need in marriage. From the article:

Yesterday, Reddit user throwwwwaway29 went to the popular web site for advice: right before she left for a 10-day business trip, her husband sent her a spreadsheet. Column A listed all the dates from the beginning of June, column B listed whether they had sex that day, and column C noted the excuse given, using “verbatim quotes.”

“I open it up, and it’s a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won’t miss me for the 10 days I’m gone,” she wrote. “According to his ‘document’, we’ve only had sex 3 times in the last 7 weeks, out of 27 ‘attempts’ on his part.”

The discussion over at Reddit now appears to be locked down, but on another site here is mention of the letter the wife wrote in:

Yesterday morning, while in a taxi on the way to the airport, Husband sends a message to my work email which is connected to my phone. He’s never done this, we always communicate in person or by text. I open it up, and it’s a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won’t miss me for the 10 days I’m gone. Attached is a SPREADSHEET of all the times he has tried to initiate sex since June 1st, with a column for my “excuses”, using verbatim quotes of why I didn’t feel like having sex at that very moment. According to his ‘document’, we’ve only had sex 3 times in the last 7 weeks, out of 27 “attempts” on his part.

I saw the original letter from her before it was locked down and it seemed she was confused about his behavior, and said the lack of sex was unusual and that it was because she was just busy with work. From what I remember, she is in her 20s and the couple have been together around five years and married for two and have no kids.

Comments are closed.

Top Rated Comments   
If a woman had put together such a spreadsheet, the sisterhood would be cheering her on for being so forthright about her needs.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
He's addressing this issue in a male way; he's gathered data, analyzed it, and drawn thought-out conclusions, without any conversation, discussion, or exploration of emotions.

Careful lady. He's not just doing this to his sex life. He's doing it to the entire marriage. Get out in front of this - now - or the next thing you know he'll have decided to walk.

Is that what you want?
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
Why should she care about pleasing him when she has the ability to take him for all he's worth in divorce?

Men need to stop getting married.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
All Comments   (171)
All Comments   (171)
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Dont shoot the messenger but the scriptures say:

4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.

5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control 1 Cor 13
20 weeks ago
20 weeks ago Link To Comment
See also Mollie Zeigler Hemingway's excellent article at The Federalist:
http://thefederalist.com/2014/07/22/a-spreadsheets-not-going-to-spread-her-legs-and-more-marriage-advice/

Unfortunately, women don't think much about their spouse's feelings, needs, or desires. It's all about them.
20 weeks ago
20 weeks ago Link To Comment
I didn't marry for a very long time. I was very picky. I don't recommend this per se, I would admit to leaving it too long but for the perfection that is my wife. I say perfection, and I mean it, but just for me. Like Flicker says below, people marry for different reasons, and for all my study, and even my success, I can only offer one piece of advice, and if didn't even say it, my best friend did. Never marry anyone unless you want to be married to them very badly, and never marry anyone who doesn't want to be with you as much as you want to be with them.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
I am guessing you haven't been married long if you still think your wife is perfect. I have been married almost 26 years now and I can tell you even the good ones have challenges.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
You missed his point. She's perfect for him, and because he says so. One important facet of a good marriage is the ability to deliberately see only the good in your spouse and set aside the less desirable (within limits of civil behavior, of course).
20 weeks ago
20 weeks ago Link To Comment
A happy marriage based on the "perfection" of the spouse is a marriage that is in big trouble, even if they don't know it yet.

A happy marriage based on tolerance and forgiveness is a lot better off.

21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
I think maybe you missed his point. Or maybe I did.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
Isn't this pretty much stereotypical married life? Get a ring, you count the number of times you've had sex by the number of kids you've got.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
No. Some try to pretend it is, but that should and will be far from the truth in a successful marriage barring medical problems.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
I have always thought it to be somewhat odd that women demand monogamy and then don't meet the sexual needs of their partners. I am in no way condoning cheating but is it right to expect your husband to be monogamous and then never put out?
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
"and then 'never put out"....is a part of the issue as it implies that men only have sex because of their physical 'need'. As a long time marriage counselor I had to reframe this notion too many times....men need sexual intercourse for physical reasons, but also as a way to share emotional intimacy and to reinforce the bonds of the marital commitment.
19 weeks ago
19 weeks ago Link To Comment
It's to establish a pressure point, not an issue of reciprocity. Kind of like, say, government monopolies. Too bad you can't go anywhere else, and I'll punish you if you try.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
Sadly, sounds like my marriage to ETEW (the Evil-Tongued Ex-Wife). I did once calculate how much time she spent reading "the New Yorker" in bed compared to time spent having consensual married person fun, and it appeared I was about 1/23 as much of a priority to her as reading the New Yorker. But of course, I'm a man, so it was my fault.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
Hmmm. I recall a slogan from years past: "Kids spell love T-I-M-E."

21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
Life is hard. And marriage is hard. (Yet somehow, the suicide rate is far lower than the divorce rate.) And if you follow the links back to the wife’s original post, the post is removed, but the many responses to it are still there, you get the sense that the wife complained that she was always cleaning the house, and dirty and tired. And she was frequently at the gym, and consequently dirty and tired. The husband may have been a slob, and she may have had a touch of OCD, but anyone who can detail a chart of quotes for the past two months, is probably less of a slob than the house-cleaning gym-goer is an OCD. (This is of course all supposition.)

But looking back on various conversations I have had, and people I’ve known, three or four archetypical incidents come to mind. The first is a brief conversation I had with a smart, attractive, pleasant woman who said she was too embarrassed to brush her teeth in front of her husband. I was incredulous that sticking a foamy brush in her mouth and dribbling toothpaste was more intimate for her than opening herself for her husband. There was a categorizing going on there. Either brushing her teeth was more embarrassing to her than sex, or the sex was more embarrassing to her, but more physically, emotionally or martially necessary to her.

The next was an attractive shapely woman who felt her life was out of her control and spent all day everyday in the gym. She felt empowered and in control or her life and her body by lifting weights and doing aerobics.

The third was a beautiful, shapely woman who gave her husband sex four or five times a day, every day, with him even coming home at lunchtime for sex, until one day he left her for their daughter’s just-turned-eighteen girlfriend. The woman was devastated, and very confused. She cooked and cleaned and attended to him in every way, and he left her for a teenager.

And the fourth is a woman whose husband became very wealthy. He moved away but they remained married and dedicated to each other, but they still had other non-marital sexual relationships with whomever they wanted. They were apparently great friends, and also married, and rich, largely leading their own lives.

And I knew a woman who was truly erratically psycho-crazy, and her husband stayed faithful to her for over forty years until his death.

People want love and sex for different reasons, and in different ways and in different amounts. And the crippling confusion that life and relationships and marriage presents don’t help. People have to deal with difficulties to the degree that they are able. And sometimes people are just out for themselves. And people can be such b^stards.

But also, marriage means different things to different people. Elizabeth Taylor was married eight times and divorced seven (widowed once, and married to another man twice) and died unmarried. What was she looking for? Was marriage just a long delicious feast that ended with a bad case of heartburn?

The girl in this article is only 26. She hasn’t had time to figure out what marriage is about. She probably still thinks it’s all about her, or a fairly tale, or a fifty-fifty effort, or that marriage will in itself bring happiness (it won’t).

These two people have to decide which is more important: personal happiness, or union. But right now it seems she at least is still in the personal happiness stage.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
Such a thoughtful response. Thank you for posting it. I like this: "People want love and sex for different reasons, and in different ways and in different amounts. And the crippling confusion that life and relationships and marriage presents don’t help. People have to deal with difficulties to the degree that they are able."
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
Thanks.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
I find it interesting that they were together for three years before marriage, and now two years into the marriage she's putting out that little. There are obviously so many layers and we are picking it apart from a couple paragraphs on the internet, but I'd bet this behavior is new on her part.

Young women tend to use sex as a lure, then think they can put it back in the box after the man is caught. Indeed many don't understand what sex means to men, just that it attracts them. It seems like it would be like a husband refusing to speak to his wife except on three occasions in seven weeks (just because he was tired and didn't feel like it), though she's tried to start numerous conversations, then not understanding why she's hurt and angry.

Women have not been taught what men need from a relationship and they are blindsided when they are told.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
The wife is more than likely having an affair. This is not a gender thing, as most marriage therapists will tell you (not to mention a little common sense), when interest in sex unexpectedly and unnaturally decreases in an otherwise happy and "normal" marriage, the spouse is getting satisfaction elsewhere.

A married 20 something year old usually has a very healthy sex drive that surmounts work and fatigued. This of course will decrease as the spouses age, have children, and as their libido slowly winds down. But, if I was this husband I would certainly begin to suspect something is amiss.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
Not necessarily. If she's on birth control that could be decreasing her drive. And some people simply have slower libido.

Though it's a reasonable question for him to ask.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
Depo will certainly do that. It's also relevant that women are attracted to different men when they're on BC vs when they're not.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
From what little is garnered from this post, there are millenials having committed to a relationship (married or otherwise) whose foundation was totally tactile and not sentiment driven. Tactile, perceived and outward relationships are just that ephemeral, short lived and having a foundation "built upon sand." For a lasting relationship, endearing, deeply rooted in two individuals having "shared" experiences (loving, caring and vicarious) vs. two individuals having Looks, activities and "busy-days" the longer lasting, deeper meaning relationship is the one having loving, caring, respect, understanding, compassion and communication for each other as building blocks upon which a family can grow and have decades of love, life and fulfillment. The relationship upon which Looks, activities and "busy-days" is destined for a "statistic." Pray. Amen. Share God in every relationship, HE is the true light, love and most understanding.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
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