No one likes a “dirty water” dog and a knish more than I, but New York City — or “Moscow on the Hudson,” as I call it — isn’t safe to visit these days, for several reasons.
If you think the overwhelming stench of jazz salad is annoying, wait until you drive your loafer into a steaming pile of human feces Eric Adams street kabob.
I don’t perform comedy shows in New York City at this point. My lefty friends tell me I’m being pusillanimous — kidding, they aren’t smart enough for that word — for not wanting to risk a street crime.
That’s not the case. I grew up in an “evolving” neighborhood in Detroit. I moved to New York City in 1986, when 1,309 New Yorkers were redrummed in the first 10 months of the year. I lived in New York City during the early 1990s, when north of 2,000 people were slaughtered each year. I’ve paid my dues.
Bernhard Goetz — a 37-year-old white man — shot four black teens who surrounded him and asked for a $5 “donation” back in 1984, making himself something of a hero back when your average New Yorker was sick of getting bopped, robbed, raped, or shot.
Goetz would eventually beat the attempted murder rap and do a mere 250 days in jail on an illegal gun charge. Those were the days, my friend.
What’s truly terrifying isn’t so much today’s crime rate, but being sent to jail if I clock an animal trying to kill me or brutalize my fiancee.
Commie prosecutors — many funded by George Soros — have been told to punish crime victims who dare stand up for and protect themselves from the lefty legions of drug zombies, street thugs, and modern brown shirts who roam the outhouses we once called Chicago, Austin, New York City, Seattle, and San Francisco — in other words, Democrat-run American cities.
FACT-O-RAMA! As you were baking ham and attending church, Chicago celebrated Easter weekend by ventilating 23 people, five of whom died.
Getting jumped is scary. Going to jail for fighting back is terrifying, and that’s what’s happening in Democrat dumps around the nation (and even in red states that ought to know better).
The McCloskeys
You may remember the McCloskeys. The gun-wielding coupl had the audacity to arm themselves and stare down a large group — 300-500 strong — of BLM skanks and their non-binary sisters in Antifa, who had broken into their gated neighborhood.
Kim Gardner, the St. Louis bolshie prosecutor, had the McCloskey home searched. The AR-15 Mr. McCloskey held was purloined. That groovy little silver pistol Mrs. McCloskey held (like a perfume bottle if you ask me) was already in her lawyer’s safe.
After they were unarmed, the crowd returned. The McCloskeys tried to hire private security and could get none. One security specialist suggested the couple abandon their home.
They chose not to. The crowd returned and threatened to kill the McCloskeys. The animals screamed taunts — they even claimed they’d kill the family dog.
The McCloskeys eventually pleaded guilty to misdemeanors — for protecting their home from hundreds of miscreants — and paid fines.
Kim Gardner is fighting for her career as you read this. Good. Sic Semper Tyrannis.
Bite the Big Apple, Don’t Mind the Maggots
Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg, aka “Twinkies” (he’s obese), has twice imprisoned innocent men who dared to refuse to be murdered by Democrat-sanctioned yobbos.
Jose Alba was minding the register at a bodega when a black man attacked him. Mr. Alba fought back and killed the plug-ugly who assaulted him. The thug’s moll stabbed Alba in the melee.
Alba spent six nights in NYC’s infamous — and dangerous — Riker’s Island “under inhumane and unconstitutional conditions,” according to his new lawsuit.
He was initially charged with 2nd-degree murder and held on a $250,000 bond.
After public outcry — including from lefty news outlets — the charges against Alba were dropped.
FACT-O-RAMA! The she-thug who stabbed Mr. Alba was never charged.
Francisco Marte, founder of a bodega owner's association, shows a stab wound received by Jose Alba. He says Alba was stabbed twice in each arm by ex-con Austin Simon's girlfriend.
From https://t.co/enrYgMKFYE pic.twitter.com/nN0kZeciVX— Crime in NYC (@CrimeInNYC) July 9, 2022
Parking garage attendant Moussa Diarra was shot earlier this month — twice, in fact — by a thug looking to break into cars. Despite bullet wounds to his ear and his stomach, Mr. Diarra took the gun from the hoon who had just perforated his body twice and blasted the goon.
Police arrested Diarra’s attempted assassin — and Mr. Diarra — for attempted murder.
This happened one day before President Trump was due to be arrested by Bragg’s apparatchiks in Manhattan. The charges against Mr. Diarra were summarily dropped, but the message is clear: don’t resist Bragg’s street urchins, or else.
Kyle Rittenhouse
Stevie Wonder could see that Kyle Rittenhouse acted in self-defense, yet a commie DA tried to send the young man to prison for the rest of his life.
If not for ubiquitous video cameras, Rittenhouse would likely be incarcerated forever.
He shot three people in self-defense — all of them white — yet Gropey Joe Biden called Rittenhouse a “white supremacist.”
Gaige Groesskreutz, the man weasel who should have been charged for carrying a concealed weapon — and pulling it on Rittenhouse — was never charged for a weapons violation.
LAUGH-O-RAMA! Rittenhouse vaporized Grosskreutz’s bicep with an AR-15 after Grosskreutz aimed a gun at Kyle.
Key kids, did you want to know what an air-tight, open and shut, case of self defense was about 10 years ago?
It looks like Gaige Grosskreutz levelling a pistol at Kyle' head before having his bicep shot off for his trouble. pic.twitter.com/dLc4CmNwC0
— SGOTI 🏳️🌈 (@Fawkesyouguy) November 13, 2021
Rittenhouse was — blessedly — found not guilty for defending himself, but that doesn’t change the fact that commie prosecutor Thomas Binger tried to send the 18-year-old to prison for decades.
Daniel Perry
Uber driver Daniel Perry was cruising around Austin, Texas, when his car was surrounded by leftist savages rioting in the name of saintly George Floyd. Police identified the hands of 25 rioters pounding on his car.
A reprobate named Garrett Foster aimed an AK-47 at Mr. Perry as he was trapped in his vehicle.
Perry — a member of the armed services — pulled his legally carried revolver and ventilated Foster, killing him. A jury — in the liberal stronghold of Austin, Texas — found Perry guilty of murder.
Texas Gov. Abbott — a Republican — tweeted he was working “as swiftly as Texas law allows” regarding the pardon of Sgt. Perry.
Godspeed to Mr. Perry.
In addition to the the financial — and emotional — expense Mr. Perry has paid, the left tried to send this man to prison forever for the “crime” of trying to not get murdered by communist thugs, aka the darlings of the Democrat Party.
Stop thinking it can’t happen to you, your spouse, or your child. The left wants you in jail for disagreeing with their vile nonsense.
What can you do? I’m glad you asked.
We all have our limits. I’ll take an a**-beating on the NYC subway before I’ll give Alvin “Twinkies” Bragg the pleasure and privilege of sending me to Riker’s Island, where his feral forces will brutalize me. But anyone looking to violate my lovely fiancee is facing a caboodle of physical injuries. That’s just me. Don’t use this article as a guide.
My advice: avoid the trap zones. Soros’s monsters would love to send you away for pulling your gat and honeycombing a derelict looking to hurt you and yours.
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