The Morning Briefing: Let Beefdom Ring!

Zachery De Ponte

Good morning, dear Kruiser Morning Briefing fanatics. Kruiser is off again today. The rumors are false: He did not grab the wheel from his limo driver and try to drive to the Capitol. He did, however, ask me to relay the following messages:

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  • he misses you
  • he is almost but not quite ready to see you
  • it’s not you, it’s him
  • send more IPAs
Where’s the Beef?

You want beef? I got your beef, right here! I’ve got beef for DAYS!

My mom taught me to never hate, but she is long dead and I’m a grown man. I will hate anyone or anything I choose. I’ve earned the right to detest the detestable.

A sampling of things I hate:

  • Commies
  • Pedos
  • Cookie-flavored M&Ms
  • Eminem
  • Dingos

We don’t have a BBQ big enough for all these beefs, so I shall pick two.

Beef # 1- Commies

Today’s first point of the Morning Beefing is commies. I hate them with a passion I usually reserve for the song “We Built This City” and every cast member of “The View.”

Laurence Kesterson

Pinkos are wretched, miserable hags who have failed at everything. They live to destroy. If THEY have to be miserable, so does the rest of the world.

Commies remind me of my cousin Chuck. Chuck’s life sucks because Chuck is an abdominous gay man who hasn’t made an attempt to lose an ounce of weight in the 51 years he has been alive. I suspect his mom (my aunt) told him he was “good enough as he is” and Chuck foolishly believed her. Chuck’s mom lied (she was a drinker). Like my mom, she is dead–so let’s have at it.

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FACT-O-RAMA! I am the oldest living male Downey in my branch of the Downey family tree and I am only 56. We die young and beautiful. Have you SEEN my hair?

Back to my cousin. Chuck is a pink-haired Antifa terrorist. I tolerate Chuck during the holidays; then we don’t speak for another year. I am cordial.

“Hey Chuck, Merry Christmas.”

“Hello, Kevin. Maybe it is for you,” he grumbles back while appearing to eat one of the 14 bags of caramel corn he bought, half-priced, the day after Halloween. Or perhaps those are just his discolored teeth.

Chuck, in true bolshie style, does everything he can to ruin Christmas for everyone else. Ditto Thanksgiving and the July Fourth family cookout. He complains at every family gathering, yet he doesn’t stay home to wallow in self-pity. Why? Because it’s his mission to ruin everyone else’s day and try to bring the rest of the family down to his self-inflicted hell. While most Downeys are getting tipsy and preparing to fight, Chuck sneaks off to watch goblin porn (it’s a thing, TRUST ME). Chuck is a commie. A big, fat, miserable commie. We need to rid our country of commies like Chuck.

Communists have never been successful at anything except spreading misery. They are hateful, unloveable prags who sissy-fit over everything from grandma’s choice of Christmas carols to the fact that “Obamacare wasn’t free.”

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Commies live to destroy. They won’t just “go away.”  They must be punished and persuaded to never come back. They will disappear, hide, and return, kind of like human herpes.

Misery is their religion and, as Morrissey once sang, every day is like Sunday. Bolshies only understand one message: pain.

The Democrat Party has been hijacked by commies like Chuck. Don’t feel bad for them. Just don’t cave in to their misery. Valtrex those chancroids into hibernation and enjoy your holidays like you used to!

Beef # 2- Dingos

FACT-O-RAMA! Dingos carried my mother away. Dingos was the Mexican gardener.  I told my dad not to hire him.

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