Progressive Christianity Watch: Full-Contact Baptism Edition

It’s been a while, y’all. Since I haven’t treated you to a Progressive Christianity Watch column in a while, I figured we were due.

I believe that the vast majority of churches in the United Methodist Church are faithful, non-woke congregations that faithfully preach the gospel. And then there’s this one.

I’ve never understood the responsive reading. I never liked them growing up in the Christian Church, and I’m glad that the closest thing to it we do in my church is the scripture and creed we recite for Communion every Sunday.

In one particular (unidentified) United Methodist Church, a speaker in a rainbow tie leads his congregation in a reading that has nothing whatsoever to do with scripture:

Leader: Together, we move in fierce and tender rhythms of care, of solidarity, of joyful alliance. We need each other and have each other.
Congregation: We are from each other. May we be for each other.
Leader: Naomi Murakawa asks, "Why be a star when you can make a constellation?" Alone, dazzling, one can burn so bright. But beloveds finding each other, dancing together, we pattern new possibilities.
Congregation: Possibilities beyond pain, beyond fear, beyond aloneness. Possibilities born of laughter and dreams, of refusal and resistance and recreation.
Leader: Possibilities that point us towards sweetness and salve. We, surrendering into the sacred patterns that heal and hold us.
Congregation: We of stardust and spirit and breath. We of soil and seasons and spells. We of queer and radical rootedness.
Leader: Breathing together, we conspire together.

Cursed 'Read and Response' from the United Methodist Church, especially the last response

"We, of stardust and spirit and breath
We, of soil and seeds and spells
We, of queer and radical rootedness" pic.twitter.com/kHgtNjQGk4
— Protestia (@Protestia) November 13, 2025

Progressive Christians love to call Christianity “radical.” But it's not quite the "radical" that they want it to be.

Here’s a bonus: I found another video from what looks like the same church featuring a hymn with music almost as bad as the heretical lyrics.

Cursed 'hymn' from the UMC, especially the last stanza pic.twitter.com/4znHTfmBwq
— Woke Preacher Clips (@WokePreacherTV) November 13, 2025

What in the literal Hell is going on at this church?

Let’s travel to Germany to visit a woman pastor (naturally) who’s so blasphemous that Martin Luther was have one of his patented insults ready for if he encountered her. Protestia reports:

A youth pastor in Germany has drawn fierce criticism after blessing the union of four men to each other at a pubic wedding event, insisting that the LGBTQ polucule [sic*] were now “married before God.”
Lena Müller initially posted the picture earlier this month in a since-deleted Instagram post, writing, “On Friday evening, I was allowed to celebrate my first poly wedding.”
Müller and her church are part of the Evangelical Church Berlin-Brandenburg-Silesian Upper Lusatia (EKBO), a progressive denomination with a membership of 880,000 and nearly 1800 churches.
*Should be "polycule," a word that was new to me.

The ceremony was part of a pop-up “wedding” festival that the denomination holds in Berlin every year. Müller told the Neue Osnabrücker Zeitung newspaper:

This year, we actually celebrated the festival as a “Pride Edition,” specifically aimed at queer people. In our regional church, same-sex marriages have been possible since 2016, but that hasn’t fully sunk in for many yet. And then, on that evening, we suddenly had a poly constellation in front of us—four young men who wanted a blessing for their relationship. You could immediately see that there was a lot of love between them. So the team quickly agreed: What could God have against it being four instead of two?

We couldn’t enter the wedding in the church register because a civil marriage must have taken place beforehand, which wouldn’t be possible in this constellation. But I am absolutely convinced that they truly got married before God. They also received a beautiful certificate. And they chose a wedding verse from the Bible, from 1 Corinthians: “Love never ends.”

Why break one biblical command when you can break more of them at once? Pray for these people to experience repentance.

I’ll leave you with whatever this is. I’ve never seen a body-slam baptism in a tub of rose petals. Have you?

There are two elements of this baptism which are rarely done. Can you spot them? pic.twitter.com/cukMfCDxGy
— Protestia (@Protestia) November 13, 2025

Now you have.

Right now, you can join VIP for 60% off with promo code FIGHT — because at this point, it really is a fight. A fight for truth, a fight for the church, and some days (like today) a fight not to slam your laptop shut when somebody in a rainbow tie starts talking about “stardust, spells, and queer radical rootedness” like it’s straight outta Corinthians.

VIP gets you all my columns, the spicy ones, the behind-the-paywall pieces, the stuff that makes the woke clergy clutch their rainbow pearls — plus podcasts, commenting privileges, and an ad-free experience.

If you’re tired of churches preaching astrology with a little Jesus seasoning, tap in. Use promo code FIGHT and join us.

Let’s push back together — with truth, humor, and maybe a little Southern side-eye from Chris Queen.