Poor Gavin

Pity Gavin Newsom, folks. He’s trying so hard. He’s so desperate. He’s like Danny Glover’s daughter in "Lethal Weapon" when she commandeered the limo and is driving off-road through the desert in a comical attempt to escape the helicopter carrying the bad guys with machine guns. It’s hopeless. She has no chance. Yet, with the tears streaming down, she continues to pound on the steering wheel, as if that will magically give her enough speed to outrun the villains. Part of you genuinely feels bad for her. But part of you smirks and quips, Lady, what are you thinking?

Watching Gavin Newsom repeatedly crash and burn over the past few weeks in his comical attempt to out-Trump Trump leads me to the same rumination: Lady, what are you thinking?

Maybe he’s thinking that Trump’s normal modus operandi is to respond to taunts and get in the mud with his opponent. And maybe he’s thinking he’ll get kudos from the in-your-face left if he does so. He’s the gubernatorial equivalent of those losers who block traffic or glue themselves to art because nobody would pay attention to them otherwise.

But there’s only one problem, Gavin. Yes, Trump does respond to taunts. To everybody, that is, except you.

Had Trump chosen to respond to Gavin, he would mop the floor with him. Many people far savvier than Gavin have made the mistake of launching verbal fusillades against the man, only to be nuked in return. But Trump is doing one better. He’s not nuking him. He’s ignoring him. And it’s driving Newsom to hand-flapping conniption fits.

As the saying goes, the definition of insanity is repeatedly trying nothing different but expecting a different result. In more pragmatic terms, stop digging your hole. In terms specific to this particular unfolding of events, Newsom is a delicately coiffed, bescarfed sissy boy who frequents a restaurant called French Laundry. He’s now trying to rewrite his own narrative as a Fresno underdog who’s had enough of the showoff Cobra Kai bully and is gonna deliver a series of rhetorical crane kicks to his chin in the public arena of social media.

To this end, he’s now devolved into denying the assassination attempt on Trump (which took the life of an innocent man). As Gavin continues to flail, his attempts to bait Trump will get more outlandish and more obscene.

It ain’t workin’, son. What you mistake for devastating strikes are actually so weak and ineffectual that your target doesn’t even bother to parry them. Mosquitos garner more swats than you’re receiving from Trump. Whatever anyone thinks of Gavin Newsom, hardcore trash talker isn’t one of them. In terms of intimidation factor, Gavin makes Jeb Bush look like Pennywise the Clown. 

Then again, maybe Gavin is still sore from the thrashing he took from DeSantis the last time he tried his hand at debate. Maybe this phony Tough Guy act is his Plan B. If so, let’s hope he has a Plan C.

But far be it from me to interrupt an enemy when he’s making a mistake. I pen this only on the virtual guarantee that neither Gavin nor any of his purple-haired androgynes will ever read this and heed my advice. This article will not penetrate the walls of their cult, nor do I intend it to. And even if it did, it wouldn’t change anything. Arrogance can’t stand being ignored, and Gavin will continue trying to bait Trump. And Trump will continue to ignore him. Because he can.

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Quadrupling down on ideas that are proven losers seems to be what liberal California excels at. High taxes. Free drug needles. No bail. Poor forest management. Illegals galore. Economic illiteracy. Gavin in 2028.

Granted, if you’re a leftist who still holds a lingering nostalgia for winning elections without having to blatantly cheat, I can see how Gavin is your guy. Compared to Pritzker, Buttigieg, AOC, or Kamala, he's the obvious least-worst choice. Unlike them, he holds the possibility, however remote, of holding his own for at least a week or two into campaign season before getting completely steamrolled by Vance.

So grab the popcorn and enjoy the next few years. Gavin’s desperate bids for attention — the freakouts, the meltdowns, the grasping, and the floundering — are going to be epic. It couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

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