Lincoln Chafee Ends Bid for the White House

Lincoln Chafee, we hardly knew ye.

America’s favorite quixotic Democratic presidential candidate ended his bid for the White House today, telling the Democratic National Committee’s Women’s Leadership Forum in Washington that he wanted “one last time to advocate for a chance be given to peace.”

“We all know that the Republican agenda sets back women’s rights and I pledge all my energy towards a big 2016 victory for Democrats across the country,” said the former senator and governor of Rhode Island. “As you know I have been campaigning on a platform of Prosperity Through Peace. But after much thought I have decided to end my campaign for president today.”

Chafee’s departure and Joe Biden’s unwillingness to get in the race, along with former Sen. Jim Webb (D-Va.) withdrawing for a potential independent bid, cuts the debate stage for the next DNC event to Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and Martin O’Malley.

Unless, of course, they decide to let another longshot candidate, Harvard professor Lawrence Lessig, have a primetime podium.

“Studies show that women tend to lead differently than men, in that women are more likely to be collaborative and team oriented. It is undeniable the benefits women provide to the pursuit of peace,” Chafee told the forum today.

“We make Virginia-class submarines in Rhode Island and I’ve been on an overnight patrol. What a phenomenal piece of technology and craftsmanship – a machine bristling with the most advanced power imaginable. Submarines are just one instrument in our staggeringly efficient arsenal of war. And yet we are sinking ever deeper and deeper into an endless morass in the Middle East and North Africa. People keep dying, and peace seems further and further away. It’s evident that all this military power isn’t working for us right now.”

Chafee added that “from what I’ve heard none of the Republicans running for president want to understand anything about the Middle East and North Africa.”

“Instead they prefer to espouse more bellicosity, more saber rattling and more blind macho posturing,” he said.

“When I hear all their tough talk I have déjà vu about the ‘evil’ Viet Cong. We should be different. Democrats should insist on learning from the lessons of Vietnam. ‘It all could have been averted.'”

Chafee said the United States must decide: “Do we want to be remembered as a bomber of weddings and hospitals? Or do we want to be remembered as peacemakers, as pioneers of a more harmonious world?”

“If American war veterans and Viet Cong fighters can laugh together on the Fourth of July, then I know so too can Iranians and Israelis, Shias and Sunnis, Turks and Kurds.”