Can I call you George? You can call me Barack. Listen, I just want to thank you for being such a good sport on your last days in office. It must be hard when the guy coming in after you is so much cooler and more popular than you are, but you showed a lot of class, and I appreciate it. Michelle told me she thought you were just being a spineless wimp, but let’s just keep that between us, okay? I really don’t like it when she gets mad at me.
I also appreciate the fact that your staff didn’t trash the White House before we came in. I mean, I suppose they could have taken all of the “O”s off of the computer keyboards, screwed up the phone lines, and left garbage and leftover pizzas in the conference rooms, but they didn’t. That was pretty classy. I’m not sure if the same thing will happen when I leave office, seeing as I’ve rehired a bunch of Clinton’s staff, but I can always hope they’ve matured since 2001. But if it does happen, I have my stock answer all ready: “That’s not the (insert name here) I knew.” Works every time.
Look, I know a few of my supporters booed you when you showed up at the inauguration. Okay, not just a few. But you understand, right? I am the change they’ve been waiting for, so the last thing they wanted to see that magical morning was you. I’m sure it was nothing personal. Yeah, I know I said on the campaign trail that “we are the change we’ve been waiting for,” but you and I both know that was just a bunch of hogwash to mollify the mindless masses. Political pap, if you will. Heck, once the excitement of the inauguration dies down, they won’t pay any attention to what’s going on until the next election — or unless we get attacked, whichever comes first.
By the way, any tips you can give me on national security would be most appreciated. I don’t trust Hillary as far as I can throw her. And Joe Biden? Hah! Between you and me, I just chose him because his gaffes will keep attention off of the ones I make.
Oh, and you know that update to the White House’s website that says I plan to keep the promises you broke regarding rebuilding New Orleans and the Gulf Coast? Yeah, that was a little harsh, I do admit, and not in keeping with my whole “hope and change” theme. But to make an omelet, you have to break a few eggs. If I’m going to keep the general public enthralled with me — at least in the beginning, before I can start handing out lots of free stuff — I’ll have to say a few bad things about you now and then. That way they can say, “We’re so much better off with Barack than we were with Bushitler.” As a fellow politician, I am sure you’ll understand that it’s just politics — kind of like when the Chicago Tribune did me a favor by demanding that Jack Ryan’s embarrassing divorce records be unsealed during the 2004 Senate race.
I think the next four — no, let’s say eight — years are going to be amazing. Michelle will have redecorated the White House so that it’ll be cool enough to invite celebrities like George Clooney and my BFF Oprah Winfrey over for parties. Europeans like me, as opposed to loathing you — probably because I share their socialist mindset and want to bring America down a few notches. It’s time we stopped being so awesome. And it’ll be a refreshing change for the press to give positive coverage to the president. Do you mind that all the networks except Fox pretty much ignored your trip home and the speech you made when you got there? I mean, by the time that happened, I think the news anchors and reporters were pooped after spending the day talking about me. It’s pretty well known that they worship the ground I walk on, and let’s face it: sometimes such slavish adoration can be exhausting.
I hope you enjoy retirement. I know that you’ll be losing your Secret Service detail after ten years, but with any luck, the crazies who hate you will have been lulled into a false sense of social security after my tenure in office and won’t be coming after you. (Social security? Get it? I kill myself.) I can’t say the same about Nancy Pelosi, though. Good luck with that.