PJ Media

If Life Hands You Lemons, Don't Make Lemonade without a Permit

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. At least that’s what anarchists say. And sociopathic capitalists.

In a civilized society, if you somehow legally obtain lemons, that in no way gives you a right to make lemonade. And it certainly doesn’t allow you to sell it.

I would think that’s obvious, but look at the brouhaha over a county health inspector in Oregon quite properly shutting down a seven-year-old girl’s lemonade stand. Everyone is like, “Look at the poor little girl! Why did the government make her cry? Why are those mindless bureaucrats so mean?”

Idiots.

I know you all grew up watching movies about the Wild West and think everybody can just strap a shootin’ iron to his hip and sell unlicensed lemonade willy-nilly, but this is reality. In a society facing threats like bird flu, obesity, and Glenn Beck, we can’t let people just run around doing whatever they want. This is a society of constitutional law, not ape law. And the only relevant part of the Constitution remaining clearly mentions something or other about commerce, which clearly means the government has unlimited power to regulate everything that has to do with selling goods. And for good reason.

Do you know what kinds of diseases can lurk inside improperly handled lemonade? No, you don’t. And neither do I. So obviously, that threat is so severe that medical scientists won’t even tell us about it so as not to create a panic. And do you know how many people died from contaminated lemonade before stringent health regulations were enforced? I’ll give you a number: 52,143,000. Well, the number of people who died from improperly handled lemonade involves one or more digits from that number.

Scary, isn’t it? That stupid little girl could have killed half of Oregon. Luckily the government was there to protect you. But the damage isn’t just limited to people’s health; there’s also the economic impact. She goes out there with her non-union labor selling lemonade for 50 cents, and who knows how many proper businesses that paid all their licensing fees and taxes she was undercutting? She was effectively stealing money from Oregon and the federal government. Thus while President Obama is working very carefully to revive our economy, she is working directly against him. That probably also makes her a racist.

Yet there is still that sympathy for the little girl’s destructive selfishness. I really don’t know how to frame this sort of thing so you people understand. This isn’t some Sarah Palin gibberish about “mama grizzlies”; these are important facts about the function of the government thought up by smart people that you must accept. It’s your inability to accept simple things like government control that makes enlightened liberals want to put you through plate glass windows (if they only had the upper body strength).

Now, really, was what the health inspector asked of the little girl so hard to comply with? She simply needed a $120 temporary restaurant license. That may seem like quite a bit of money, but the government needs it, as health inspectors won’t hassle little girls for free. And once the license is obtained, the girl would be free to sell her lemonade, as long as she did proper accounting of her business and filled out all the relevant paperwork. That amount of work would probably mean she’d have to bring on some other employees, which would mean she’d also need proper training on non-discriminatory practices. Then she’d be set as soon as she proved she was providing her employees health care.

You see, it’s all very straight forward; I really don’t get why so many people trying to start businesses are always complaining about it.  And if anyone finds the laws confusing, that’s why American society is absolutely chock full of lawyers. The important thing is to follow all these rules so we have a safe and ordered society, and if those rules make jobs harder to come by, so be it. Because when people can just do what they want, there goes order. And in the chaos, the apes will take over. See how precious your lemonade stand is when the apes are running everything. They don’t even like lemonade; they like bananas. You can try setting up a banana stand, but the apes won’t pay for them. They’ll just take them and bite you. Because they’re apes.

That’s why it’s so troubling to learn that Oregon backed down on prosecuting this little anarchist. In fact, they were so overwhelmed by the incoherent screams of the unthinking masses, they actually apologized to the tiny misanthrope. What lesson does that teach her? That she can just take matters into her own hands without the government? First she’ll have her black market lemonade, and next maybe she’ll be dress up as a bat and beat up mentally ill clowns. I guess she thinks she can do whatever she wants, and the government has no say. It’s absurd.

This obviously needs to be a federal case. You may not think that a child’s lemonade stand falls under the jurisdiction of the federal government, but as Rep. Pete Stark recently explained, the federal government has unlimited power to do anything and should really use that power more. This little girl needs to be made an example of. She should be taken away from her parents, who obviously can’t handle her anti-social tendencies, and be locked in some sort of asylum and told she will never see her family again. Let her tear-filled face be a warning to any other children who think they have power over the government. The federal government can crush all of you. It has nuclear weapons; it’s not scared of children.

Harsh, yes, but absolutely necessary. Think of the risks posed to public safety if people can suddenly do whatever they feel like without the government watching them. That isn’t to say people shouldn’t have freedom; it’s just that they should get a permit for it first.