I'm a joker
I'm a smoker
I'm a midnight toker
I get my lovin' on the run
As a green expat in Thailand, one learns, often through harsh experience, that asking a Thai why anything happens in the manner that it does is an exercise in futility.
The answer, if one is forthcoming at all, invariably boils down to some variation of “this is Thai culture”/”this is Thai style.” And since Thai culture is largely impenetrable to the Western mind, that’s basically the end of the conversation.
Thus, one learns not to inquire into matters one will never understand and learn to accept, if not celebrate, the inexplicable as such.
It’s part of the charm.
This is a central theme of my highly heralded (mainly by me) expat memoir, Broken English Teacher: Notes From Exile.
Related: Existential Angst in 'Nam (50 Years Late)
This “never ask why” maxim applies across all domains, including consumer services — such as, as we’ll discuss presently, mobile penis enlargement services in the backseat of some guy’s Toyota Corolla, which looks to be from somewhere in the 1990s.
As a result of many factors — high-volume tourism, extreme inequality, and relatively underdeveloped public services, to name a few — the quality of medical care in Thailand varies widely.
Related: Converted Pagan Headhunters and the Shining City on a Hill
The ritzy five-star medical facilities for the Bangkok elite and wealthy foreigners literally look like high-end hotels, with boutique shops, glass elevators, and plush couches.
Sexy nurses in carefully applied make-up and permanent smiles serve whatever refreshments your heart could desire while you wait, soaking in the soothing scenes of indoor waterfalls.
For the peasants short on cash, however, things are a little less glamorous, and definitely dicier.For example, before I got sober, after falling through a roof while extremely intoxicated in Songkhla province, an extremely rural rice-growing region in the South, I broke my foot. Being very far from the luxury medical accommodations of the capital, I was forced to seek the care of a doctor in the local provincial public hospital.
He assured me, through a translator, that everything was totally fine — “mai pen rai” were his exact words, a popular catchphrase that means “it’s nothing” — and slapped a shoddy cast on my leg.
It turned out that everything was not fine. As I learned upon doing my own research, comparing my own X-rays to X-rays of similar fractures on the internet, and later returning to the United States and seeing a podiatrist, I learned that I should have had corrective surgery to realign the bones in my feet. By that time, they had already healed together, and to this day, you can feel in my foot where the bones healed back together incorrectly.
Again, hard lessons learned.
Such is the kind of outcome you get by relying on the Thai public health system in the hinterlands.
In that vein, catering to the segment of the population that can’t afford five-star healthcare in private hospitals, an enterprising Thai hustler was recently discovered performing penis enlargement services for Asian men insecure in their masculinity in the backseat of his Toyota outside of Mo Chit bus terminal.
Via Bangkok Post (emphasis added):
Police arrested a 51-year-old man illegally providing pearling sexual enhancement and penile enlargement services in his car.
Pol Maj Gen Khongkrit Lertsitthisakul, commander of the Consumer Protection Police Division, said on Monday the suspect, Pithaya Moon-in, had advertised his services on TikTok.
Police set up a sting operation and then arrested him in his parked car on Kamphaeng Phet 6 Road in Chatuchak district, Bangkok, on Sunday. There was a plainclothes policeman in the backseat of his car.
Police seized 189 pearling beads in round, cubic, bean, heart, capsule and Chinese bun shapes from his car. He also had medical equipment, anaesthetics and surgical instruments in his car.
Pearling is the insertion of small beads under the skin of the penis to create ridges that boost friction during sex and enhance pleasure for both partners. Doctors warn it can lead to long-term complications including scar tissue, chronic pain and penile dysfunction, in addition to possible infection during insertion.
Pol Maj Gen Khongkrit alleged the suspect admitted he was not a medical professional and had illegally treated patients to generate income.
He charged 1,000 baht per pearling bead, 5,000 baht for circumcision and 10,000 baht for penile enlargement with filler. He offered the service in his car or at his clients' homes in Bangkok and outside provinces to avoid arrest.
I’m not telling you what to do, but I am strongly implying that if your doctor suggests a surgical procedure in the back of a car, maybe think twice. pic.twitter.com/yzrIn5khKl
— Dr. Jebra Faushay (@JebraFaushay) October 28, 2025
“TIT,” as they say.
“This is Thailand.”
